Better Than Life Issue 2 (UK) (Face B) (1995) [Original] [DISCMAG].dsk
HexaDumpAscii only
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02CFE0: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02CFF0: 00 00 00 00 BA AC DA AC 89 AB 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D000: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D010: 61 6E 64 20 64 6F 67 67 79 20 72 6F 6C 6C 20 20 and doggy roll
02D020: 6F 76 65 72 2E 20 49 20 64 6F 6E 27 74 20 20 20 over. I don't
02D030: 72 65 61 64 2C 20 49 20 6A 75 73 74 20 20 20 20 read, I just
02D040: 67 75 65 73 73 2E 2E 2E 20 74 68 65 72 65 27 73 guess... there's
02D050: 6D 6F 72 65 20 74 6F 20 74 68 69 73 20 20 20 20 more to this
02D060: 6C 69 66 65 20 62 75 74 20 74 68 65 72 65 27 73 life but there's
02D070: 67 65 74 74 69 6E 67 20 6C 65 73 73 2E 20 20 20 getting less.
02D080: 41 6E 64 20 79 6F 75 20 77 65 72 65 20 77 65 74 And you were wet
02D090: 62 75 74 20 79 6F 75 27 72 65 20 20 20 20 20 20 but you're
02D0A0: 67 65 74 74 69 6E 67 20 64 72 69 65 72 3A 20 20 getting drier:
02D0B0: 79 6F 75 20 75 73 65 64 20 74 6F 20 20 20 20 20 you used to
02D0C0: 73 70 65 61 6B 20 74 68 65 20 74 72 75 74 68 2C speak the truth,
02D0D0: 62 75 74 20 6E 6F 77 20 79 6F 75 27 72 65 20 20 but now you're
02D0E0: 6C 69 61 72 21 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 liar!
02D0F0: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 40 ...............@
02D100: 00 00 00 00 FA AC 1A AD 89 AB 00 00 2E 20 28 24 ............. ($
02D110: FF 00 14 22 0C 30 FF 00 20 FF 3A 02 00 41 82 3F ...".0.. .:..A.?
02D120: 82 41 82 44 82 41 82 3F 82 41 82 3A 82 41 82 3F .A.D.A.?.A.:.A.?
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02D140: 82 3F 82 41 82 44 82 41 82 3F 82 41 82 38 82 41 .?.A.D.A.?.A.8.A
02D150: 82 3F 82 41 82 44 82 41 82 3F 82 41 82 FF 2E 20 .?.A.D.A.?.A...
02D160: 20 FF 68 06 F0 68 86 68 84 68 84 68 84 68 82 68 .h..h.h.h.h.h.h
02D170: 82 68 81 68 81 68 81 68 81 FF 2E 04 28 24 BA 2F .h.h.h.h....($./
02D180: 00 2E 03 28 24 27 02 28 35 29 02 28 30 2C 02 28 ...($'.(5).(0,.(
02D190: 28 AE 28 24 FE 01 2E 04 28 24 BA 2F 00 2E 03 28 (.($....($./...(
02D1A0: 24 27 02 28 35 29 02 28 30 2C 02 28 28 2E 02 28 $'.(5).(0,.((..(
02D1B0: 24 FF E8 F1 C6 40 46 81 22 81 46 81 22 81 22 81 $....@F.".F.".".
02D1C0: 46 81 E8 F0 C6 40 46 81 22 81 46 81 22 81 22 81 F....@F.".F.".".
02D1D0: 46 81 E8 F0 C6 40 46 81 22 81 46 81 22 81 22 81 F....@F.".F.".".
02D1E0: 46 81 E8 F0 C6 40 46 81 22 81 46 81 22 81 22 81 F....@F.".F.".".
02D1F0: 46 81 FF 2A 04 28 2D B6 2F 01 2A 03 28 2D 1E 02 F..*.(-./.*.(-..
RESULT OF SEARCH :
PRO=190 CHEA=4 COD=63 MUSI=21 COP=37 GRA=85 WRIT=59 198=3 199=6 STARTER=1 KBI=0 CAAV=0 L.TOURNIER=0
PRO=190 CHEA=4 COD=63 MUSI=21 COP=37 GRA=85 WRIT=59 198=3 199=6 STARTER=1 KBI=0 CAAV=0 L.TOURNIER=0
EXTENDED CPC DSK File SAMdisk141208( NHEADREADBAS&"s( star)")" "Length
" lengt()" (&"s( lengt)")"9"Execute " exe()" (&"s( exe)")""Filetype " fty
p$ FE,01,C2,38,90,DD,6E,00,DD,66$ 01,7E,47,23,5E,23,56,EB,11,70$ 90,CD,77,BC,D2,
35,90,32,43,90$ ED,53,3D,90,ED,43,3F,90,11,1A$ 00,19,5E,23,56,ED,53,41,90,CD$ 7A
,BC,C9,CD,7D,BC,3E,07,C3,5A BB)GRAPHICS$$$33HEADREADBASp7,C3,5A BB)+ Header Read
er (c) 1993 The Equalizor ( 2 ,("&")F P£"Enter Filename ",filZ ,fild!n sta
r()()"x lengt()() exe(A)(B) ftyp (C)""Filename "(fil)"Start Addr " star()"
( N SO WHAT IS THE MAINDIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DISC FANZINE AND A PAPER FANZINE
WELL, PRODUCE A 24-PAGE PAPER FANZINE AND EVERYONE SAYS THAT IT'S REALLY HU
GE (AND THE PAPERFANZINE - F'NARR), BUT PRODUCE A 44- ARTICLE DISCZINE, AND NO
-ONE NOTICES HOW LARGE03,&AE LOAD"-CC17"), andYY restore the pr
otection routine with POKE &AC01,&C9. Delete lines 122,Y 124 a
nd 126, resave the program, and RUN.) YHooray! A British disc fanzine, and one
that David Croo IT IS... OR THE SIZE OF THE FANZINE...
BTL's brethren reviewed by ChaRle
yTroniCYkes panned, too. We failures mustYstick together.Y Admittedly, Impact i
sn't the easiest fanzine to review (now where have I heard THATYYbefore), bec
ause it's probably like no other fanzine you've seen before. Er, unlessYYyou
'd seen Impact issue Y! !YHypnomega, you bastard, will you stop it Every ti
me I write a review of one of yourYYfanzines, you bring out another issue a f
ew weeks later4, that is. There's a reasonable amount of CPC stuff - game
YYhints, commercial game reviews, a few PD reviews, demo reviews, fanzine rev
iews. (AndYYTom Dean says he "hates reviews"...) By and large, these are really
quite well-writtenYYespecially, so I have to start all overYYagain. The tortuou
s history of German disc fanzines means that this 'un is replacing 350YHwords of
immaculately-written prose about X-treme 3/Scoop Poop 4. Sigh.HY Anyway, the c
ode's back to the CPC Challenge original - a the PD and demo reviews. The fanz
ine reviews are a bit skewy - well, the BTLY4and CPC Forever ones are inconsist
ent - but, hey...4Y So much for the normal fanzine stuff. There's also a lot of
seriously weird shit. SomeYYCPC-related (like the very amusinn easy-to-use BASI
C system.YYNo great shakes (although I bet it's easier to put together than an
issue of BTL!), butYYfriendly enough, and a vast improvement on the cumbersom
e Vassago system used for theY!joint X-treme/Scoop Poop issues.!Y Articles arg
tale of a cracker called "The Lamer"), some not evenYYplanet Earth-related. Som
e of it's very funny indeed I couldn't help cracking up at theYY"Bag-Save" coupo
n and the "If you love AA stick with Future Publishing" adverts. A smallYYminori
ty, on the ote your usual selection - a decent amount of well-written review
s, sceneYYnews, a few comments on the best industrial/techno music (Aphex Twin's
food mixer), youYYget the picture. There's also a few interesting jottings on
the Plus ASIC by Alien, andYher hand, isn't funny at all in particular, I comp
letely failed toYYget "Dear Jane", and the gay-bashing joke is further proof th
at cultural intolerance isYYregrettably no longer confined to Bad Mag. (Yeah, s
ure there's a warning, but you can'tYOjustia few German articles.Y In short, it
's your typical scene fanzine and thanks to the high proportion ofYYartic
les in English and Hypnomega's near-pivotal position in the German scene, it's
oneYYof the best. It's not going to go down in history afy that AND the BTL revi
ew if you read "Fables of the Deconstruction"...)OY But this isn't particularly
significant. A bit more news, which is notably lacking,YYwould be welcome. T
he main problem is with the code, which makes navigating around theYYfs a "cla
ssic" fanzine in the way thatYY(somehow) the first couple of issues of Bad Ma
g did, but as a disposable source ofYinformation, it's perfect.-Presentation
--Articles --BTLanzine far too cumbersome and slow. I eventually
gave up on the whole thing, bootedYYParaDOS, made all the files visible, a
nd loaded them into Protext. Fortunately,YYMalfunction of the Firm - a storm
in' demo coder, as reported elsewhere this Rating - Language Germa
n, English Editor HypnomegaYCompatibility CPC 464 requires the followin
g modification deprotect the BASIC loaderYY (POKE &AC01,&32 POK
E &AC02,&45 POKE &AC N issue - hasYstepped in for the future.Y A general t
humbs-up for Impact, then. The code is disappointing, as are a couple ofYYthe
articles - and for a fanzine taking up both sides of the disc, there aren't e
noughYYof them. But, by and large, it's n - despite what you might have read i
nYYAA, I am firmly of the opinion that Keith Woods is an egotistical, manipula
tive littleYYshit. But S.E.X. is missing the point. If we wanted to read such
articles - the exactYYsame articles, in fact - we could an interesting and
(most of all) entertaining readY#that's well worth getting hold of.#-Presentatio
n --Articles --BTL Rating -Language Englipop down to
the local Menzies and buy a couple ofYYtop-shelf magazines. For a magazine not
explicitly (pun intended) restricted to over-Y16s, articles about "love buds"
are entirely out of place.Y It would be unfair to mark S.E.X. down too muchs
hEditor Tom Dean6Compatibility requires BASIC 1.1 (i.e. not CPC 464)6..
. YA month or two back, I downloaded two 200k files from Emmanuel Roussin
's FTP site,YYsupposedly containing sides one and two of the first iss for t
hese few articles, for side oneYYalone earns it a place in the top rank of CPC
fanzines just save your disc space, andYYdon't bother with the flip-side. Oh ye
ah, and Rex, one piece of advice get a life. NotYa Knutschfleck.-Presentation
ue of S.E.X., I decompressedYYthem only to find... they both contained side
one. I then wrote an approving reviewYY(78%) of what I'd seen, and implored t
hat nice chap Slice of Impact to send me alongYside two, which is now running
on my other CPC --Articles --BTL Rating -Language EnglishE
ditor Rex of Beng!Compatibility 128k only$$$ r. Unfortunately.Y For si
de one is full of interesting and informative articles (in English, too)Y
Ythere's a decent selection of scene news, a few opinion articles on the decli
ne of theYYCPC, a good tutorial on how to create rasters (completeALTHOUGH WE
'RE NOT PROCEEDING WITH THEORIGINAL IDEA OF A HUGE FANZINE ROUND-UP QUITE YET, W
E'VESTILL GOT LOADS OF FANZINE REVIEWS IN THIS ISSUE... HERE ARE A FEW MORE,
THIS TIME ON THE UNCONVENTIONAL MEDIUM OF PAPER. with source code), a
nd so on.YYThe code's not bad at all - not quite as fluent as BTL or the orig
inal X-treme, but aYhuge improvement on most disc fanzines. Top marks here, then
.Y Side two, however, is a crock of shit (ackn. Slice). There is one in
ChaRleyTroniC takes a look at the latest CPC p
ublicationsYYteresting articleYYin it - Hypnomega's hilarious "new exciting
ideas for demos", which is well worthYYreading. Other than that, there's a co
uple of things on Manga video (far better coveredYYelsewhere, as in Future's S.
F.X. magazine!) and, most d YA multi-format fanzine strange idea, but in thes
e beleaguered days for 8-bits, it worksYYsurprisingly well. Especially consider
ing that it's not meant to be your standardY"fanzine".Y Although this is
Brian Watson's sixth issue, it'isappointing, a few desperatelyYYunimaginative "e
rotic" - fat chance - stories copied out verbatim from some contactYEmagazi
ne by the desperate and unimaginative Knutschfleck (surprise).EY A couple of pa
ges later, Amstrad Fun's supposedly prudishs only the second to go under the
nameYYof 8-Bit the first four issues were entitled 8-Bit Mart. It's no gre
at revelation,YYthen, to see that this fanzine has an above-average proport
ion of adverts - buying,YYselling, swapping. This, of course, attitude towards
sex isYYcondemned the editors of S.E.X. (specifically Rex) are of the opini
on that everyoneYYenjoys "X" (hang on, isn't that Shaun Ryder), so why not write
about it Of course, I'mYYnot entirely comfortable agreeing with Amstrad Fu N
is a superb idea. Indie software houses could barelyYYafford to advertise in AA
(or Commodore Format, come to think of it - all credit toYYRoger Bellend) e
ven when it was open, and now.... so how are we supposed to know what,Y%and ho
w, to buy, then pages of WACCI, containing lettersYY(bloody loads of them),
programming tutorials, reviews, and numerous miscellaneousYYarticles... non
e of which, with the exception of the odd Auntie John reprint, areYYparti
cularly, well, wacky. Perhaps Easy - 8-Bit.%Y It's not just CPC stuff, of cou
rse - the 64, PCW and Spectrum all get a hefty look in,YYand in past issues ther
e's even been material relating to the QL. The (unintentional)YYbias towards O
ur Favourite Computer has faded away somewhat"Staid" would be a better nam
e. "Geriatric" -Y Doctor Fegg Y WACCI, it should be emphasised, is for serio
us readers only. Those who enjoy theYYlighter-hearted side of their CPC (game
s, demos, fun fanzines) will find zip to interestYYthem. In, to be replaced by a
numberYYof well-written general-interest articles disc shortages, British
Telecom, and aYYprofessional "home publishing" series. There are also plan
s for articles on e-mail,YYgenealogy, and such like. Having said which, deed,
as the BTL review illustrated, some WACCI members don't seem to be able toYYunde
rstand the preoccupations of those of us who sometimes use our CPCs as the means
andYthe end, as fun in themselves.Y If, however, a serious-minded fanzine soun
ds like CPC users are also treated to reviews ofYYRoutePlanner ("buy a cheap s
econd-hand CPC just to be able to use it" - coo!) andYAmstrad User.Y The
presentation's a bit simple (get a better masthead!), and arranging the pages i
n aYYmore logical orde your bag, then you'll find WACCI -YYat times - a rewardi
ng read. In issue 91, for example, we have a helpful "build an ABBAYYswitch" tu
torial, a well-researched review of Rambase 4, and an overview of commsYY
program Ansiterm. WACCI should also ber would be nice - especially if the adve
rts were re-incorporated intoYYthe main body of the fanzine, rather than being a
n annoying pull-out (sorry, "fall-out".YYGreenpeace, take note). In general, tho
ugh, 8-Bit Mart is an extremely well-written andYYhea your first stop for smal
l ads, discounts, and PDYand book libraries.Y The occasional "Very Basic BASIC"
tutorial is possibly the best BASIC tutorial everYYwritten in any CPC magazi
ne past or present - easy to follow and yet covering a wideYYranlthily-sized
fanzine with a wide variety of subjects - as Matthew Tuck would say,Y"well
worth a look".-Presentation --Articles --BTL Rating -Lange of
programming techniques. Machine code articles, too, get an occasional look-in,Y
6even if many are reprints from WACCI's glorious past.6YOccasionally, however, W
ACCI slips into space-filler mode. A recent review of BrunwordYYElite, for exa
mple, shguage EnglishEditor Brian WatsonYTo get hold of a copy of
8-Bit Mart, send 1 to "Harrowden", 39 High Street, Sutton-in-YYthe-Isle, Ely, C
ambridgeshire CB6 2RA - or BTL readers can simply send two first classYstamps
and their addreould have been an opportunity for an in-depth test of one of th
eYYmost extensive suites available for the CPC instead, the author presented
a "review"YImore akin to a list of features than an actual appraisal of the prod
uct.IY The sense of communityss for a sample copy. Thanks, Brian! YIssue 91 Wh
oa. There aren't many fanzines that make it into double figures, let aloneYYap
proach the big one-oh-oh. It's a testament to the determination of WACCI member
s thatYYit's survived engendered by the huge letters section, "Fair Comment",
seemsYYto be welcomed by WACCI's (largely older) readership - although those
more used to BTLYYand European disc fanzines, and their involved, all-hands-on-d
eck approach, will find itYYslightly athis long, especially given the busines
s ineptitude of one-time editorYYSteve Williams. Since it appears approximately
12 times as often as BTL, we'll take aY'look at a few other recent issues to
o.'Y For 1.50 per month (impressive), you get 32 N lien and at times appr
oaching the self-important. Moreover, the frequency ofYYpublication, the tende
ncy to print every letter received, and the lack of a technicalYYquestions-an
d-answers section combine to mean that a lot of Fair Comment is taken e are
common (Bad Mag, Xtreme, BTL) paper-YYbased fanzines, unsurprisingly, less so,
largely because of practical considerations.YYDistribution for a European dis
c fanzine is easy simply send it to a few people andYYit'll be copied all ov
er the cupYYwith questions which could be answered by any CPC technical speciali
st instead, they'reYYthrown open to readers, leading to an exponential increas
e in the size of the lettersYsection.Y The PD market, perhaps, could do with m
ore coverage in WAContinent. People tend not to shove paper fanzines throughY
Jthe photocopier, though, so they usually remain nationally-based affairs.JY Th
ere are two exceptions CPC Forever and Eurostrad, both of which work on the sys
temYYof having distributors in certaCI - after all, where elseYYcan you find new
serious software these days Instead, we get "PD Scene" by (fanfare)YYDavid C
rookes. In issue 87, he reviewed Mini-PrintShop (cor, up-to-date stuff this)
,Y'with a review which started like this'Y "The Min countries. As we ventured
last issue, CPC Forever (asYYof issue 1, at least) isn't really worth the bother
quite literally, there's nothing inYYit apart from TIC making a prat of himse
lf, a couple of "szene" interviews (whoopee),Y6and a page of gamini-Print Shop
isn't really a shop like your high street WH Smiths. But then,YYI'm sure you
never really believed that. That was just a ploy to make you read the restYYof
the drivel on this page. Clever, huh And look, I've just wasted another sixty
e cheats. Oh yeah, and Trevor's ego.6Y Although Eurostrad can't compete with CP
C Forever's flash presentation (in fact, someYYof the DTP work in Eurostrad is
pretty good, but it's a bit inconsistent), the contentsYYare much better. There
are 18 pages, oneYEwords in this paragraph attempting to back track sic on my
claim."E AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!YSo don't believe the hype about "brilliant
ly-written articles, scrawled by itsYYmembers... truly the best CPC fan
zine around. Nothing cacomprising scene-based news, classifieds, loads ofYYfa
nzine reviews (many of which will only really be of interest to French readers),
dodgyYYstuff (oo-er), charts, demo reviews, a Protext tutorial (and even thou
gh that it's theYYonly article written by n touch it for sheerYYprofessional
ism in production and approach" (a certain WACCI contributor reviewing it inYYAA
). There is, indeed, a lot of good serious material in WACCI, as long as
you'reYYprepared to forgive an at times unfavourable siga native English-speak
er in the magazine, it's probably the mostYYbadly-written page of the lot!), a
comparative test of file and disc copiers, someYcheats, game reviews (PD an
d commercial), editorial comment...Y In other words, a hell of a lot nal-to-n
oise ratio with a monthly 32-Y+page fanzine, frankly, this is inevitable.+Y Per
haps an AA-style "downsizing" would produce a more immediate, more dynamic fanzi
ne.YYAs the principal CPC publication for serious users, though, WACCI is a wo
rthwhil of stuff, and most of it very well-written too.YYEurostrad avoids th
e pitfall that a lot of fanzines fall into (Bad Mag, CPC Forever,YYBTL, WACC
I... interestingly enough, none of them French) of being too wrapped up inYY
their own little worlde readYYfor serious CPC users - both for its ability to
deliver news fast (e.g. the closure ofYRAA) and for the very good articles which
it is occasionally capable of providing.R-Presentation --Articles . M
ost people with a remote interest in the European scene willYAfind Eurostrad
a worthwhile read this is how it should be done.A-Presentation --Articles
--BTL Rating --BTL Rating -Language EnglishWEditor
Paul Dwerryhouse (7 Brunswood Green, Hawarden, Deeside, Clwyd CH5 3JA)W£ YDi
sc magazines aimed at a "European" audienc N --Language English, Frenc
h, some German-HEditor Thomas Fournerie (La Hameliniere, 50450 Hambye, F
rance)HJContacts Jan Deppisch (Postlagernd, PA 13, 76437 Rastatt, Germany)
JM Helias Fotopoulos (Saranly Maybe (Oasis) the indie album of 1
994. 12 songs unashamedly calling on theYYBeatles' melodic pop-rock influence,
but without the annoyance factor that's accrued toYYtracks such as "She Loves
You". Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Live Forever", in particulartaporou 41, 155 61 Hola
rgos, Greece)M/ UK contact tba in Eurostrad 6/act tba in Eurostra
d 6 , isYYarguably the best indie single since "Step On" "Supersonic" makes not
an ounce of senseYYand is all the better for it and "Columbia"'s resurrecti
on of That Driving Beat isYYunmissable. Ignore the beginnings of a backlash, th
is is a damn good aWE ARE THE CHEECH- CHONG TRIBE, AND WE ARE OVER- FRIE
NDLY! APPARENTLY, SHAUN RYDER CLAIMS THAT HE'S CLEANED UP, AND HE'S
JUST ON INDUSTRIAL AMOUNTS OF DOPE THESE DAYS.DOESN'T EXPLAIN HOWHE CAN WRITE
NO- SENSE LYRICS LIKE THE ABOVElbum. YYSecond Coming (the Stone Roses)
as, in fact, is this, but if your bible is the NMEYYyou'd be forgiven for
believing otherwise. An entirely different beastie to their earlyYYmaterial (ch
ronicled well on the current Silverton, DOES IT
more reports from our local
indie kid, ChaRleyTroniC Ye compilation The Complete StoneYYRoses, which fea
tures "Fool's Gold", "Made of Stone", "She Bangs the Drums" - all theYYclassi
cs), this swings from riff-heavy blues ("Driving South") via gentle pop ("Te
n-YYStorey Love Song") to the epic masteY (Mike Oldfield)YIn Oldfield'
s first post-Tubular Bells II album, fans were no doubt waiting to seeYYwh
ether he had relapsed further towards the quasi-easy-listening sugrpieces of "
Breaking Into Heaven" and "LoveYYSpreads". Also worth a mention is the amazin
g "Begging You" - techno done with guitars.YYIf you can ignore the largely forg
ettable "Daybreak", which shouldn't be too difficult,YYit's an album worth buyi
nggested by some partsYYof Tubular Bells II, or if he had recovered the lunat
ic form of 1990's superb Amarok.YYDefinitely not the latter, I'm afraid the
entirely synthetic textures of this newYYrelease are a world apart from the cr
azed flamenco o. YYPerma
nent (Joy Division) "Love, love will tear us apart - again...". Or how abo
utYY"Don't walk away, in silence - your confusion, my illusion - like a mask o
f self-hate,YYconfronts verload of what was his best albumYYsince 1975. However,
its mellow textures provide it with a purpose apart from TB2 theYYopening seq
uence, in particular, is perfect "chill out" music for the pre-ambientYQg
eneration, and the recurrent guitar theand then dies". Quick, pass me the raz
or blades. You'll wonder at how theYYalmost disco-ey tune of "Isolation" can
quite fit with Ian Curtis's funereal intoningsYYand still sound convincing, but
such was the paradox of Joy Division. Then go and reme of "Let There Be Light
" is beautiful.QY "Hibernaculum"'s pseudo-Enigma humming is a bit hackneye
d, but you can forgiveYYOldfield everything for the following "Tubular World
" - the best treatment to date ofYYthe "Sentinel" theme. Oldfield witadYYDebor
ah Curtis's biography, which just goes to prove that such a genius could b
e aYYcomplete bastard to his supposedly nearest and dearest. Still, given that t
he end resultYYwas music like this, am I allowed to say that the sacrifice was w
orthwhih a drumbeat It's no surprise that William OrbitYYacolytes, Sugar J
and Mark Rutherford, are credited let's hope the next album movesYfurther in
to such territory.*BTL Rating * ...YDefinite N le YYPost (Bjork) it'
s not another Debut. State the bloody obvious. It does, however,YYcontain
headbanging techno ("Army of Me"), the swooning sadness of "Isobel", two weird
yYYdub collaborations with Tricky ("Enjoy" and "Headphonesishing string playi
ng, and songs such as "MoorloughYYShore", "Dream of Picasso", and "Schera
zade" are turned into elegant understatedYYmasterpieces. There's also a live
ly cover of Joni Mitchell's "A Case of You". Some ofYYthe tracks veer "),
and what is generally a farYYmore wide-ranging collection than her first solo al
bum. There aren't quite as many highsYYas the astonishing record she set herself
last time round, but as a move into a quieter,YYmore introspective style, it's
still a quaa little too far towards in-one-ear-out-of-the-other meanderings
YYhowever, once you've heard "Moorlough Shore", you'll be unlikely to resist.
YYReverend Black Grape (Black Grape) yeah, I know it's only a single, bu
t as it's theYYmality album. YYN-Gram Recordings Wil
liam Orbit's new label has put out four records recently. Orbit'sYYmain solo pr
oject, StrangeCargo Hinterland is the fourth and best in his instrumentalYYse
ries - although nothing ddest, funniest, catchiest record you'll hear this year
(unless the rest of the albumYYproves me wrong, which is entirely possible), i
t's worth mentioning. Worth it just forYYthe lines "You do nothing but socialis
e, and become a menace put on your Reeattains the quality of "Water From
A Vine Leaf" (perhapsYYunsurprisingly), "MillionTown"'s regretful tone makes yo
u want to break down and cry,YYand the muscular tone of "MontokPoint" is quite
a surprise. YY Another Orboks, man,YYand go and play fuc
king tennis!". Oh yeah, and the B-side is called "Straight OuttaYYTrumpton"
. Shaun Ryder - urban poet for a generation. Y
100% bit solo project, Pieces in a Modern Style contains reinterpr
etations ofYYtwentieth-century classical music no "Bach with a beat" here, w
e're talking SeriousYYArtistic Statement. The Arvo Part pieces, in particular, a
re astonishing, as are the twoCUCHULAINN IS ONLY JUST LEARNING HOW TO PROGRAM I
N Z80, BUT HE KNOWS A GOODDEMO WHEN HE SEES ONE - WHICH, THESE DAYS, IS SADLY N
OT VERY FREQUENTLY. opinion on curre
nt demosYYGoreckis only Ravel's "Pavane" slips a little too far towards the t
wee. There's alsoYYSamuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings", which becomes "Adagi
o for Analogue Keyboard" inYYOrbit's hands - there's very little reinterpretati
on, but with such a be by Cuchulai
nn of STSYYYThere are some people, like AA's Simon Forrester, who don't li
ke demos. Thautiful piece,YYcould you
YY Torch Song's "Toward The Unknown Region" isn't
quite so rewarding, with the submergedYYdance influences never quite reaching t
he surface - you jey thinkYYthey're boring wastes of time. Well, so is St
reet Fighter II on the SNES, and AAYYenthused about the forthcoming conversi
on for ages. So are most platform games. So isYMastercalc.Y Anyway, demos ar
en't boring. Look at Logon System'ust want to shout "Get wild"YYand hear it cut
into a breakbeat, but it never happens. There are a couple of niceYYmomen
ts, but overall, the album sounds unfinished, a few demo jottings. YY
Finally, Orbit claims production, writing as "The Demo" or KKB's "First" demo.
YYThey're varied, there's a lot for you to feast your eyes on... you're lo
oking at aYYvisual festival, the equivalent of a decent pop video. And there mig
ht even be the musicY to match. Y I said "decent pop". I donnd keyboard credit
s on Caroline Lavelle'sYY"Spirit", a stunning recording debut by a cellist wh
o has worked for Massive Attack,YYRadiohead, Peter Gabriel, the Durutti Column
and De Danaan. Her voice is only marginallyYYless impressive than her aston N
't mean Eurotrash like Culture Beat, 2 Untalented, Ace ofYYBase. Repetitive
rubbish that just goes in one ear and out the other. A bit like theYlatest
Eurodemos, really. Don't believe me Ok, let's do a test. Fill in the blanks.YQu
estion 1. WeYYMegademo - the comment was "Someone's been watching Amiga demos"
- but yes, said "Wow"Yon seeing The Demo. - CRTCYCuriously enough, British demo
s - which have historically been crap - are proving theYYsaviour here. Conspi
racy's Television demohich demo featured a Porsche driving in from the right YYQ
uestion 2. Which demo featured rotating 3D vectorballs YYYou catch my drift. The
same effect gets used time and time again, and even when someon was a promising
sign of imagination Wulf andYYRatz's third demo is beautiful. CRTC is talking
about coding demos with a random orYYlinear structure, to contrast with the
usual "plonk everything down on the screen asYAsoon as you load it" offerine
YY(i.e. Face Hugger) comes up with a smart new effect, it's just slapped d
own on theYYscreen as if it were a beta-test for something big. Except it's not.
This is what you'reYexpected to put up with.Y New technique in Face Hugger's
Ultimate Meggs. We might even get a UK megademo.AY Wouldn't that be embarrassi
ng To have coding giants like Mops, Symbiosis and Beng!YN(er, maybe not) best
ed by those lamers in STS Well, get off your arse, then.N ademo a few 3D bal
ls rotating on theYYscreen. New technique in The Demo a massive 3D scroll. And a
big scroll at the top, andYYsome lovely graphic equalisers. And before you've
had time to settle, the 3D scrollY7starts warping and sliding. Again a60H
Figure 5. 02 P0 , you catch my drift.7YThe Demo was a masterpiece because ev
ery part (except Slash's boring bubbles) wasYYperfect. Every NOP of proces
sor time was squeezed out, every area of the screenYYoccupied, there was
nothing you could say "Well, 3AC p French demos are pc8yqglh! on the Ami
ga, it would be better".YYBecause it wouldn't be. It felt perfect, it felt soli
d. There was no way you were goingYWto crash The Demo - it was professional. How
professional was the loader to Voyage 93WY And what's this obsession with rea
l-x often really good. 70O31 O 0 MAxpp time calculations To quote Akira, who
gives aYYshit If you wanted people to know how clever your code was, you'd
distribute sourceYYcode with all your demos. The whole point is to look as
impressive as possible, andYYreal-time calculations do0OAGxx 3 GC8e7$b te nothin
g to that end in fact, they often detract from it. ToYYreturn to Pict's 3D scr
oll, as you probably all know, it was a con. There was no CPU-YYintensive num
ber crunching moving the letters into perspective. It's just a cleverYYras
ter. I k8s vv'LF gX2now that. You know that. But it's still a better demo part,
and it still hadYYyou going "Wow" when you first saw it. I showed some demos t
o a friend who'd been awayYYfrom the CPC for a few years the other day. He
wasn't too enamoured of the Ultimat N WE WEREN'T REALLY EXPECTING AN EASY RI
DE WITH BTL 1 - EVEN AFTER IT HAD BEEN TONED DOWN A LITTLE BEFORE ITS RELEAS
E. SOME OF THE CRITICISM, THOUGH, WAS A BIT OFF-TARGET...
fanzine The articles. Which explains why
the 37YYnon-opinion articles in BTL 1 were covered in... half a paragraph
of David Crook'sYYreview. Very balanced. In fact, his reviews aren't even consi
stent where's the mentionYYof the bad language in opinion by ChaRleyTroniC
and CuchulainnYYYBTL 1 see
ms to have attracted an inordinatthe Impact review If readers "want to know
about using theirYYcomputers, not about the personalities", what about Crooked
's interview in AA with CPCYpersonality Paul DwerryhouseY Anyway, basically wha
t we're trying to say is (ooops) we're just je amount of reviewing attention. No
idea why,YYit was crap. - Doctor Fegg Get stuffed. - CRTC Some favourable, s
ome unfavourableYYsome straight-up, some crooked (chuckle, chuckle). In the g
rand tradition of BTL mud-YQslinging, we are proud to prealous that we can'tY$wr
ite as well as David Crookes can.$p xx Figure 2.pe esent an irate, unreasoned r
esponse to the comments.QY £issue 109, David CrookesYYOh, this is too tempti
ng. We could rant on for hours about the inaccuracies, theY#hypocrisy, th
e douev David Crookes -vs what a cock.seble standards...#Y First up, it doe
sn't really seem as if David understands the context of the opinionYYarticles
. "Mindless" slagging You didn't read the original Amstrad Fun, Bad Mag orY
YRundschlag articles, did you In fact, did you even read " ee eYFables of the De
construction",YYthe article which put these articles into their proper context I
t doesn't look like it.YYThe comment in the following month's Further Reading
column about AI's non-appearanceYYsuggests that you only read BTL 1 properly i
ssue 87, Stamper MetcalfeYYA reasonably generous review here - the main comp
laint with BTL being the language.YXI've only got one word to say to that, and
that's... - Doctor Fegg Er, yes, anyway...XY BTL and WACCI are aimed at very di
after reviewing it after all, there was aYYhuge headline blaring "Artificial I
ntelligence - In Memoriam" in the fanzines section.YYMoreover, if you'd read t
he "Quantum Computing Exclusive" at all, you'd have noticedYYthat it was tak
ing the mickey fferent markets. BTL is written by a team of writersYYhovering ar
ound the age of 20, who are interested in the CPC enthusiasts' scene - PD,YYd
emos, hacking, indie serious software and games. WACCI is a very middle-aged f
anzine,YYwhose readers' favouriout of Quantum - BTL contributors - rather th
an anyoneYelse.Y It's a fair point to say that the most important thing abou
t a computer is that itsYYusers "produce some good software". The BTL team ha
s come up with RoutePlanner, TUSS,YYXexor, Dite program is usually Protext or
MicroDesign Plus, and who don'tYYreally have the time of day for demos or the m
ore techy PD utilities. That's not to sayYYthat there's no common ground between
the two fanzines, but rather that a BTL readerY2won't nesc Imager, ParaDO
S, ChaRleyTraCker, S-DOS, BMP Converter, Turbo Imager,YYPowerSpell, Soft-L
ok, Pro-Ext, Desktop Organise, PowerPage 128, the Dizzy Utility... andY/so on. D
avid Crookes has come up with sod all./Y And the most important bit about a N
cessarily find much of interest in WACCI.2Y Words like "crap", "pillock" and
"bloody" are falling rapidly into the realms of non-YYoffensive usage in the sp
eech of the Young Elizabethans the more violent four-letterYYwords, too, have
their place. Stabroadcast what we want to write if youYYdon't like the language
and libel, you've missed the point entirely and should stick toYWACCI.Yissue 5
, Tom DeanYYIt seems churlish to comper mentions in his review that he spoke to
CRTC aboutYYthe swearing, asking the faintly ridiculous question if he would
use such language inYYacademic work. Well, no. I wouldn't use it in a WACCI ar
ticle, either but the RichardYYWilson article, formplain about another reason
ably generous review (82%). A fewYYcomments, though Tom seems to have confuse
d the opinion articles on Bad Mag and CPCYYForever with the reviews, which
doesn't help. We're not slating German fanzinesYYconstantl one, wouldn't
have had the same effect without it. I wouldn't feelYYout of place using it wh
ile chatting to friends or close family, either, which is a muchYYmore realistic
approximation to BTL's intended style than a thesis is. Horses forYcours
y mentioning Zap't'Balls - yep, quite right, it does feature highly in BTL 1.Y
YRather, we're disputing their elevation of it to deity status. And Bad Mag be
tter thanYYBTL 1 There are some fanzines which can hold their head up high wi
th BTL (Xtreme es.Y As well as misrepresenting CRTC's point on this issue,
Stamper has misrepresentedYYAkira's views, as expressed in issue 1's editoria
l. Matt did NOT say that other discYYfanzines were "too awful to review in
the BTL fanzine without thandYYCPC Challenge, Disc Full), but Bad Mag ain't
one of them - neither's Impact, as yet,YIalthough it's still dead good and p
isses on Bad Mag from a great height.IY The best bit is "Everyone else will be
reduced to saying 'What the *fool* are these need for an 18YYcertificate bec
ause of their extensive use of bad language". Another thicko fanzineYYreviewe
r who can't even read (a useful skill for fanzine reviewers, you might think)
.YYWhat Matt actually said was that our opinion of previoeYMguys on about'" E
r, what about some of the more far-out articles in ImpactM ...Y...to Stamper, T
om, and everyone who's made generous comments on BTL 1. Your opinion ofYYBTL 2
will be, as ever, valued, appreciated, and so on uus British disc fanzines was
soYYlow that to review them in BTL would require the use of extreme bad lan
guage on OURYYpart, because they (CPC Domain, notably) were complete shit. Oh
yes, and the languageYwhich Stamper is objecting to here is "pissnless you're D
avid Crookes, inYYwhich case your opinion isn't worth jack-shit and you can j
ust fuck right off. Sorry,YYWACCI readers. - Doctor Fegg. Well, perhaps a bit st
ronger than I'd have put it myself,Ybut... I'd have put it myself, but... ing"
. Say no more.Y What was especially interesting was his approval of the
"controversial" opinionYYarticles, which I certainly didn't expect, and whic
h rather seems to underline theYDsuggestion that David Crookes hasn't got a cl
ue what he'BTL IS PROUD TO PRESENT ITS VERY FIRST EVER ARTICLE FROM EUROPE,
COURTESY OF CATLOC OF THE GREEK GROUP CHAOS. FURTHER CONTRIBUTIONS FR
OM GREECE, AND INDEED ANYWHERE IN EUROPE,ARE ALWAYS WELCOMEAS, INDEED, ARE TH
OSE FROM OUR BRITISH Rs on about.DY The review ends with "Would I buy into
BTL Hang on, we're not going for a StockYYExchange listing - CRTC In short
Yes - provided the language was cleaned up and theYYfanzine was not used as
a medium for facetious and libellouEADERS! £
a call for action £ by
Catloc of ChaosYs remarks. Then, and onlyYYthen would I recommend anyone to join
". Thanks for the offer, Stamper, but we certainlyYYdon't need your help, and n
either do we want it (we like writers who can construct aYYlogical argument,
for starters). BTL is here to N YYThe CPC is now a 10 yea
r-old computer. A few years ago, everything seemed ok the CPCYYwas really saf
e. However, there were problems in relations between CPC freax. Nowadays,YYthes
e problems are much bigger, and the tart learning BASIC or assemblyYYlanguage.
Some years ago, learning machine code (assembly) was really difficult butYY
nowadays, it's easier than ever. You can start by taking a good book, or by as
king theYother CPC freax to help you.Y But even ifresult is that the CPC is
passing through aYcrisis.Y Looking at the scene today, you discover that ther
e aren't many new fanzines BTL -YYCRTC, not many demos, not enough games, not
enough stuff to copy and so there's noYYreason to stay on t you can't find any
books, or if there's nobody helping you, don't worry -YYbe happy. You can cont
act us we are ready to help you. We're here to be your usefulYYfriends! So,
don't even think about it become a CPC freak, because the CPC is cool! AndYhe CP
C. Moreover, all the freax today are fighting each other, and soYNthere are not
enough meetings any more. It seems that the CPC flame is dying!NY The problem i
sn't the CPC itself, the problem is us the problem is you. The wholeYYworld
is undergoDyou, too, can be cool. The chance is in your hand don't let it go.D d
on't let it go. ing a crisis at the moment. All people have lost their perso
nalities.YYHumans, in our time, have gone against their nature. Everybody has
become a slave - toYYhimself. Everybody feels lonely, because they can't see t
hat they aren't alone in thisYYwoIF YOU THOUGHT BTL 1 WAS VICIOUS, BE WARNED AR
CH-CYNIC JACK HUGHES IS BACKAGAIN, AND HE'S NOTHAPPY... '
cynical accusations ' rld. We weren't born in a desert, we
were first created in heaven but thanks to ourYinsatiable appetite, we've con
verted this heaven into hell!YSomething has to be done about all this. Someone m
ust put things back in their place...YYmany freax forg o
f boundless scopeYYYCall me crazy, call me irrational, call me anything, but
don't call me a xenophobe.YYBefore we are bombarded withet their promises easi
ly. They think that they are gods they forget thatYYthey are just human beings,
originally created to imitate Jesus Christ! Surely theYYother way around -
CRTC But all we did was hang him - like the worst criminals, andYs letters
from angry Irish readers, let's get one thingYYabsolutely clear. I quite lik
e the Irish they are generally charming and witty, have aYYculture steeped in t
radition and legend and are normally sociable, polite and usuallyYYvery funny
. I'till we hanged him...Y So wake up now! Don't let the others be your mas
ters. Let the love which is insideYYyour soul come out and rule the world! If
you are a good coder, then make some newYYdemos, or code some new useful pr
ograms. Or if yom willing to forgive them their fear and paranoia of sp
eaking on theYYtelephone and put this down to the frustration of using this
rather backward form ofYcommunication.Y However, there are a new breed of Iris
h, the Irish szeners (sic) who u want to make a fortune, you canYYcreate som
e games and then sell them! If you are a good artist, then you can create aYY
new slideshow! Or simply, you can help all the coders to create beautiful things
! If youYYare a good musician, you can make some seem intent onYYdragging down t
he good name of those decent Irish folk. Every Irish member of the CPCYYcommu
nity has been an arrogant, jumped up, untalented shit. Not strictly tru
eYXMalfunction seems like a decent sort, and I don't think Pawnmusic demos! Or
you can help all the coders andY7the artists by making a nice tune for their cr
eations!7YNo matter if you're not a CPC genius, you can support all the CP
C freax by writingYYarticles for all the remaining fanzines - or you could s N
pissed anyone off. - CRTCXYThe Irish CPC scene is so much like the Germ
an scene, it is pathetic. The onlyYYdifference is that the German scene has
at least got some programming, graphical andYYmusical talent, even if their
magazines lehe wrote to Paul Fairman that we printedYNin the last issue of BT
L, you'll already know what a little turd this boy is.NY In all, it's about ti
me the Irish grew up... Last paragraph deleted, due to theYYfact that Trevo
r and Derek seem to have takave a lot to be desired - Bad Mag andYYRunds
chlag being prime examples. Firstly there is the insistence of every Irish
CPCYYcommunity member on deliberately mis-spelling the word "scene" as "
szene". ThisYYhorrendous aberration of the en the infinitely better option o
f leavingYthe CPC. Sniff - CRTC1 1YIt has
recently come to my attention that there are a lot of people working for BTL wh
oYYhave famous look-alikes. Not a day goes by English language started in G
ermany and the IrishYYinsistence on its use is only further evidence of thei
r arse-licking, sycophantic (lookY6it up Derek!) admiration of the corrupt Germa
n scene.6Y Fact! The Irish CPC community has given the wo when you can s
witch on the TV and NOT seeYYsomebody who looks like a member of the BTL sta
ff. In the interests of humour, andYYembarrassment to those involved, we bri
ng you the comprehensive list of personalityY(dopplegangers working on thisrl
dwide CPC arena a total of zeroYYsquared. The only thing to come out of Ir
eland has been a couple of half baked PDYYlibraries and some even worse fa
nzines. Keith Woods' horrendous Amstrad (libel) FunYY(libel), and the even wo
rse CPC For Tr magazine.(YLAWNMOWER MAN It has long been a belief by the memb
ers of STS that the Lawnmower ManYY bears an uncanny resemblance
to Tosh from ITV's The Bill. The ManYY himself is disguste
d at this comparison, as,evor, have been nothing but ill informed piles ofYYc
rap. News recently breaking is that Keith Woods (hereby henceforth known as Trev
or) andYYDerek (Leprechaun) Hyland have taken over the abysmal Bad Mag. They c
laim this will beYY"Even better than CPC Fo of course, he is usuallyYW
trying to avoid the police at all costs shurely "at 150mph" - CRTC.WYHANG
MAN For once Amstrad Action have observed something intelligently. Hang
manYY does indeed look like Paul Mertorever". We can only assum
e that this means it will have lessYpages.YWhile I am ranting about Trevor, I
think I should point out that this is the sameYYplonker who wrote as PD
correspondent for Amstrad Action. The reasoning behind hisYYn's stunt dou
ble. Sources close to BTLYY have revealed that Paul is working ha
rd on looking like Hangman, and notYY the other way around. As we
speak, Paul is trying to emulate Hangman'sY huge beer-gut.Yapp
ointment is simple. After PD writer Tim Blackbond printed an article claiming
thatYYAmstrad Fun was ill informed wank, full of libel and little else
(true), TrevorYYthreatened to sue Amstrad Action (the thought of it, the kid
was only 16 yFATEL New UK cracker and professional thin person Fatel
is a dead ringer forYY the Conservative representative in the Ho
use of Commons for Harlow, MrYY Jerry Hayes MP. Jerry is seen
every week on Friday's lears old forYYChrist's sake). To appease the little
shit, he was given the job of PD journo, and TimYYBlackbond was sacked without
even a reason. Well Trevor, the joke is on you, because TimYYwas being paid twe
nty-five quid a page more than you are ate night TVY8 program
me with James Whale, "Whale On".8YCREEPING DEATH As well as a more than passing
resemblance to BTL's own Akira, CreepingYY Death is the absolute
spitting image of the lead singer from top twangyYY and if you threaten to s
ueYYBTL, we certainly won't be offering you a job. Well, maybe we could sort out
a knee-job.YY I am not going to go on about Derek Hyland because he simply i
sn't worth the effort.YYSuffice to say that if you've read the letter N
singalong indie band James, Tim B(ooth) - spooky! Surprisingly Creepi
ngYY Death just won't ever "Sit Down" because he's always ti
dying up orY+ washing up - Doctor Fegg.+1
g MagSave, where publisher Colin CampbellYYdesperately pleaded with rea
ders to order AA at their newsagents to boost flagging salesY8since the large ch
ain store newsagents gave up on them.8Y Meanwhile, frantic Future executives ha
ve filed claims with thei 1C £ CE
EYPolice today in the Avon town of Bath were unavailable to provide a norm
al service todayYYdue to r insurance company toYYgain some compensation for this
massive loss to the company. A Future source close toYYBTL allegedly claimed
off the record that until the assessors from the insurance companyYYfinish thei
r work and the claim is settled, Future Pa rather pressing case which has had
most of the district force engaged in aYcountry wide search.Y The trouble be
gan some four or five months ago when people started reporting strangeYYdisapp
earances. As well as the usual missing clothes from waublishing will carry on p
rinting theYYmagazine with pages missing at the old price of 2.95. When B
TL spoke to Future'sYYinsurance company there seemed to be some suspicion as
to whether or not the pagesYYactually existed in the first place, shing line
s, lost car keys,YYvanished pet iguanas etc, possibly the most worrying
has been the systematicYYdisappearance of pages from Amstrad Action. Whil
e Future Publishing have failed toYYconfirm or deny rumours of a kidnappin
g andand there was indeed a shadow of doubt on theYassessor's face.YEver h
ungry for the truth, BTL hired ace sleuth private investigator Garibaldi Cornet
toYY(Magnum was unavailable, and too pricey anyway) to dig out the real facts.
Although anYYinsu subsequent ransom for the lost pages,YYsources close to th
e AA office have revealed that the editorial staff are in a quandry.YYIn such a
volatile situation, the editor is relying on increasing numbers of articlesY
from freelance writers.Y Despitrance fraud has not yet been ruled out, the P
olice and our investigator have beenYYworking on a tipoff that the pages have b
een stolen from the AA office by an insider.YYAll of the 87 editors who have e
dited AA in the past two years have been questioe the sterling efforts of som
e freelance writers forgetting the patheticYYdrivellings of a certain PD col
umnist - Akira, the ongoing disappearances have causedYYFuture to cut the siz
e of the magazine down to twenty-four pages including coned, butYYdespite
demands from many readers, these questioning sessions were conducted in a humane
Y*manner and there was no torture involved.*Y When we spoke to Tim Blackbond, p
rolific PD writer and professional Northerner, he wasYYdumbfounded by the alleve
r,YYcontents pages and advertisements. While it may seem at first glance that t
here is onlyYYa matter of some twenty-odd pages disappearing each month, BTL s
ources can exclusivelyYRreveal that the total number of pages adrift is somewher
e in the regiogations. Angry and upset, the only suspect he could think of wasY
Yuseless new PD writer, thieving bastard leprechaun Keith Woods. Keith was
probablyYLavailable for comment, but we couldn't be bothered speaking to
him.LYSo, the mystery contn of fifty.RYExecutives at Future have refused to c
omment on allegations that the total number ofYYpages going missing each mont
h is in fact increasing. In an effort to countermand theYYincreasing disappea
rances, editorial staff have been commisinues. Where have the missing pages
gone If you have seen theseYYpages, maybe getting onto a train, or climbing
into a car with a strange man, pleaseYYcontact this magazine, or contact Bath
Police direct. But remember, the chances of thisYYhappensioned by the managemen
t toYYfill these missing pages with articles of little or no relevance in
the hope thatYYreaders would not notice. A recent testament to this was
the desperate attempt atYYfilling an entire page with an article promotin N
ing to another magazine close to you are remote, so don'
t have nightmares.YGoodnight. another magazine close to tunes from the ST, notYY
just the same old tunes from the same old 1986 CPC games. Some of these things
have gotYSSoundtrakker tunes in them. Blimey it's not the most difficult thing t
o rip is itSY My advice to programmers on the CPC is this. If you WHY DOES
EVERY TWO BIT USELESS PROGRAMMER ON THE SZENE (SIC) THINK THAT TH
EY CAN RELEASE A LOAD OF TUNES RIPPED FROM GAMES AND DEMOS, ALONG WITH
A SCROLLY MESSAGE AND THINK THAT IT GUARANTEES THEM FAME WITHIN THE CP
C COMMU are tempted to produce one ofYYthese things, to my mind the equivalent
of a Danielle Steel novel - worthless fatuousYYcrap - DON'T! This is precisely
the sort of stagnation we need to be fighting against inYYorder to keep the CPC
's head above water.NITY £ £
Akira is on his£ £ soapbox
again...Y If you must do something with music, doYYsomething useful like The
Equalizor has done with Soundhakker Professional (now PD!) orYYCRTC has done w
ith the excellent ChaRleyTraCker (now capable of decompiling SoundtrakkerYtunes)
.YYPicture the scene no thanks - CRTC your best overseas contact has sent you a
packageYYfull to bursting point with hot new software. Expecting the latest ga
mes, utilities andYYdemos, imagine your disappointment as you opREAD THIS ARTICL
E AND YOU TOO COULD BECOME A CPC INDIE-KID, WEAR OASIS T-SHIRTS AND DOC M
ARTENS, LISTEN TO SUPERGRASS, READ THE NME AND SO ON. IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO, T
HAT IS. £ en the package to reveal yet another load ofYuseles
s soundsamplers.Y When I say soundsampler, I don't by any stretch of the imagin
ation mean a program thatYYallows you to digitise sounds and play them back on y
our CPC. I mean in fact, what I seeYYevery a round-up by£
ChaRleyTroniCYYYThe future of the CPC doesn't lie in thday a
s a PD librarian, discs full of tunes passing themselves off as demos. TheYYs
wapping scene is infested with them they begin in some poor hopeless programmer'
s tinyYEmind, and end up clogging up valuable disc space on swappers' discs.EYYo
u must he commercial software houses, because they'veYYdeserted us for the Amig
a and the consoles. It doesn't seem to lie in Europe, as theYYpreviously uns
toppable output of games and utilities has, er, stopped. And it doesn'tYYlie
in PD libraries, becauseave seen the type of thing I am talking about. A program
mer gets bored one dayYYand decides to put all his collection of ripped tunes on
a disc. Adds a playing routine,YYa loading screen, and if he is talented, a sc
rolly message. Releases it into the publ very few people are writing PD any mor
e. So what does thatYleaveY A handful of enthusiasts running small, "indepen
dent" software houses. The FactoryYYCommunications of the CPC world they're not
in it just for the money, they treat theirYYprograicYYdomain and swapping scen
e, and sits back and expects approval. Well sunshine, have I gotYQnews for you!
We don't want programs like this and we certainly don't need them.QY Let's face
it, most of them have got the same bloody tunes for chrissakes. Rmmers with r
espect, their budgets are comparatively small, and they produceYYoccasion
ally off-the-wall stuff that no major software house would touch with a
YObargepole. For more information on these saviours of the CPC, step this way...
OYed StormYYof BONG, Red Dragon, Wurmi of SOS to name but a few have released t
hese sorts of thingsYYand not one of them has been any good. I myself
have compiled one of theseYYsoundsamplers, but at least the tunes were new
freshly ported N (014
1) 554 4735YYAA favourites Campursoft were originally run by Peter Campbell
(the business master-YYmind) and programming whizz Jess Harpur - hence the name
. Their entry ints". And what a load of games they do Rob's own Fluff, a tour-de
-force ofYYPlus-only programming, superb graphics and addictive gameplay Bal
l Bearing, anotherYYBuckley creation (akin to PD classic Croco Magneto) whic
h inspires reactions rangingYWfo CPC softwareYYcame with the demise of Steve Wil
liams's incarnation of WACCI, who were going to marketYYJess's new, improved v
ersion of MicroDesign. When WACCI collapsed, shortly to beYYresuscitated
as a non-profit-making users' club, Campurrom ecstatic to unimpressed and E
uropean classics Super Cauldron and Prehistorik II.WY They're also selling Odi
esoft's excellent Megablasters, and Stephen Lond Davis'sYYMasters of Space
(a shootemup), 3D car sim Star Driver, and quiz game Who Sasoft was formed
to marketYMicroDesign Plus.Y In fact, the company has enjoyed a long and fr
uitful relationship with WACCI - bothYYPeter and Jess being regulars in its page
s since the dawn of time - to the point whereYYmost WACCIites regard it asid T
hat.YYRob's pipeline projects were to include Streetfighter II clone Letha
l Moves and anYYadventure entitled Butch Cowardice (his PD "Eve of Shadows",
of course, was generallyYYagreed to be one of the best graphical adventures ever
seen on th their pet software house. Whenever Campursoft launch a newYYprogra
m, hordes of crazed WACCI readers rush out their cheque books and send a ni
ceY.large sum of money off to Peter C in Glasgow..Y Launching a new program is
something that Campursoft e CPC), but as the newsY7pages report, these have bee
n put on "permanent hold".7Y Finally, Rob's only contribution to the serious
market so far (although he's workingYYon MicroDesign 2 for Campursoft) is anothe
r Plus-only utility, Smart Plus. Smart Plusdo quite a lot. MicroDesign PlusYYis
a capable, graphics-orientated DTP system, greatly improved over the original.
TheirYYfreelance programmer Michael Beckett is responsible for DES - the WIMP
system which weYYrecommended last issue to anyone who doesn isYYan attempt on th
e art package market, which the venerable Advanced OCP Art Studio hasYYalways
had firmly in its grasp. Being written in 1986, though, OCP can't offer t
heYYadvantage that Smart Plus has - the ability to make use of all the glo't f
ind operating their CPC particularly easyYY- and the forthcoming video titling
system which will accompany Campursoft's one forayYYinto the hardware market, a
n improved modulator known as "Videomaster". There's also aYYprint enhancer fo
r Protext grious graphics ofYthe CPC Plus.Y The non-techy side of Radical is n
ow run by AA freelancer Angela Cook, who is theYYperson (at the above number
) to contact with your nice large cheques for some reallyYrather nice progra
ms indeed.1oing under the name of Pro-Print. After Jess and Michael'sYYdepartu
res for pastures new, MicroDesign 2 is to be coded by Rob Buckley - see the new
sYpages for details.Y In addition, they market a few programs on behalf
of other software conce 1YA relative newcomer to the CPC market, Mark Pa
yne's Reveal Computer Software is moreYYwell-established in the lofty world o
f IBM-compatible PCs. His first release, MusicYYMaker, has been warmly receiv
ed asrnsYYprincipally STS's Soft-Lok and Quantum's excellent ParaDOS (revi
ewed last issue).YYThey've also been one of the many names connected with
a CPC hard drive, but thatY$project seems to have died a death.$Y£ a differ
ent approach to the tunesmith's over-stockedYYarmoury. But there's more... proje
cts ranging from a few card games to an ambitiousYYmulti-tasking operating
system are all in the metaphorical works. (The metaphoricalYYworks, you see
, is a (01903) 206379YYMost of the soft
ware houses here are concerned exclusively with serious programs. Not soYYRadica
l, the company founded by Rob Buckley this 'un concentrates on games, "becaus
eYYno-one else doe N device that turns out hackneyed comparisons at the rate
of eighty-Yfive per minute.)Y Although Reveal have been somewhat quiet of lat
e, hopefully we'll hear news of theseY!projects in the next few months.!Y
nt that looks like Anna Friel) and his dog in part exchange forYYa tutori
al. I could be onto a good thing here. Sentinel branches out into the slave
Ytrade." Or maybe not. YBoth Sentinel and Quantum have their gen
(01760) 720381YYA comparative oldie in the indie arena,
SD started life providing software for - waitYYfor it - the Sinclair QL. Ye
s, really. Their main focus is on business/accountingYYsoftware (upon which
theresis in STS Software, a company/group ofYYmiscreants that has been aroun
d in one form or another since the turn of the 16thYYCentury. These days,
STS's main products are the tape-to-disc utility Soft-Lok (praisedYYby AA), an
other utility of thee are higher profit margins, allegedly), but they've also s
oldYYpackages like the art package Picasso, Simon Forrester's ubiquitous Bo
oTracker, andYYStuart McColl's acclaimed (why) if unfriendly Page Publisher. O
h yeah, and a 3" driveYcleaning ki same ilk for Dizzy games (imaginatively title
d "The DizzyYYUtility"), and the new speeded-up, ROM-based archiving system Turb
o Imager. They used toYYmarket the deeply impressive utility Soundhakker Pro
(review last issue) for hackingYYmusic out of gamt. Whoopee.Y Boss Steve Denso
n hasn't come up with anything new recently, but for those in theYRmarket f
or an exciting piece of accounting software, this could be your best bet.RY
es, but The Equalizor (its coder) has since rele
ased it into the publicYdomain.Y STS, together with associated PD library S
heepsoft, have recently stopped theirYYdealings with the public however,
here's hoping that some enterprising co (0181) 876 7032YYEx-CPC Attack!
columnist, AA freelancer, and BTL contributor (coo, how many words can weYYthin
k of for "writer" There's another one...), Richard Wildey, supplements his me
diaYYappearances (already of Tony Slattery-like frequenmpanyYY(Campursoft Sent
inel) will step in and give some more of these deserving programs aYhome.YWe
don't know much about these guys. They came up with Gripper (a sprite-sear
chingYYutility) and Comparator (a debugging/haccy) with running one of the m
ostY4prolific independent software companies on the CPC.4Y Richard himself wrot
e The Ultimate Sprite Searcher (recently featured on the AAYYcovertape),
a handy utility for ripping sprites from games and demos. Sentking tool), bot
h intended for Multiface users,YYwhich received favourable reviews in Amstrad Ac
tion. They advertised a couple of times.YVAnd then they disappeared. If there's
anything coming up, we'd love to hear about it.V£ ...inel was alsoYYresponsi
ble for importing the infamous Zap't'Balls into Britain - special offer, 'phone
YYtoday - and the acclaimed Soundtrakker. However, problems with both of thes
e programsYY(New Age Software being generally useless cretins) led theYQuantu
m Computing, producers of the fabulous Xexor and ParaDOS, are no more. Safesoft
-YYbased at a PO Box in Swindon, near Bath, home of Future Publishing - hav
en't come upYYwith anything since Simon Forrester moved onto ST Format. Siren So
ftware search for an easier lifeYYback to these shores, notably with the huge
range of competitively priced machine codeYand BASIC tutorials.Y Then there's
Quantum's powerful disc utility, Xexor the Protext extensions package,YYPro-Ex
t and new navigati are principallyYYdisc drive suppliers, but their ROMDOS XL p
ackage is worth a mention (0161 724 7572),YYeven if ParaDOS is a thousand tim
es better. And finally, Germany's appalling New AgeYYSoftware were the origin
al company behind Soundtrakker, on system RoutePlanner. The last two are m
y own, so perhapsYLthis would be a diplomatic point to leave the last word to Ri
chard himself.LY "I got an order the other day with the customer offering me
his wife, teenage childYY(could be a girlie stude N Zap't'Balls and a few pro
gramsYYwhich never saw the light of day (e.g. ambitious art program Mal Mit
Mir) we've notYheard of any movement from that quarter recently, thank God.e'sar
t program Mal Mit Mir) we've not heard of any movemen writes them to the grap
hics cursor position.6Y On entry, A holds 0 to print at the graphics curs
or, non-zero to print as usual.Y On exit, AF is corrupt. &BB66 TXT
WIN ENABLE# Define the current window.#Y On entWHAT'S A CLUCKING
CHICKEN WHAT'S A CLUCKING CHICKEN MEAN WHAT'S A CLUCKING CHICKEN WHERE'
S THE CLUCKING CHICKEN BEEN ry, DE con
tains the co-ordinates of the top left-hand corner (X in D, Y inYY E), a
nd HL the co-ordinates of the top right-hand corner. Co-ordinates are fromY%
0 upwards, not the usual 1.%0 On exit, AF, BC, DE and HL are corrupt
.0 YY &BB4E TXT INITIALISEP Initialises the Text
Manager, includin &BB69 TXT GET WINDOW. Check the size of the curren
t window.. No entry conditions.Y On exit, DE and HL contain co-or
dinates as for &BB66. Carry is false if theY5 window is the whole sc
reen, true otherwise.5!g all variables and indirections.P No entry condit
ions.0 On exit, AF, BC, DE and HL are corrupt.0 &BB51 TXT RESETF
Resets Text Manager control code table and indirections only.F No ent
ry conditions.0 On e &BB6C TXT CLEAR WINDOW!Y Clear the curre
nt window to its paper colour and move the cursor to the top leftY (as C
LS in BASIC). No entry conditions.0 On exit, AF, BC, DE and HL are
corrupt.0 &BB6F TXT SET xit, AF, BC, DE and HL are corrupt.0 &BB54 TX
T VDU ENABLE6 Enables text printing for the current stream.6 No en
try conditions. On exit, AF is corrupt. &BB57 TXT VDU DISABLE I
Disable text printing anCOLUMN/ Set the column of the cursor positi
on./0 On entry, A contains the column number.0( On exit, AF and HL
are corrupt.( &BB72 TXT SET ROW, Set the row of the cursor position
.,- On entry, A contains the rd cursor display for the current stream.I
No entry conditions. On exit, AF is corrupt. &BB5A TXT OUTPU
TX Standard "print character" routine. Prints a character or obeys a cont
rol code.X- On entry, A contains theow number.-( On exit, AF and H
L are corrupt.( &BB75 TXT SET CURSOR1 Set the location of the cursor
position.17 On entry, H contains the column and L the row.7( On e
xit, AF and HL are corrupt.( &BB78 TXT ASCII code.- No registers co
rrupt. &BB5D TXT WR CHARY Prints a character. Does not obey cont
rol codes, but prints their symbolY instead.- On entry, A con
tains the ASCII code.-0 On exit, AF, BC, GET CURSOR6 Find out the
location of the cursor position.6 No entry conditions.J On exit, H
L contains the position as above, and A the roll count.J &BB7B TXT CUR ENAB
LEY Enables cursor display in the current strDE and HL are corrupt.0
&BB60 TXT RD CHARI Read a character from the screen at the current curs
or position.I No entry conditions.Y On exit, A contains the charac
ter code and carry is true, unless the graphicYY eam. This is a gener
al-purpose cursorY enable routine. No entry conditions. O
n exit, AF is corrupt. &BB7E TXT CUR DISABLE Y Disables cursor dis
play in the current stream. This is a general-purpose cursorY under the curs
or is not a valid character, in which case A is 0 and carryY) fals
e. Other flags are corrupt.) &BB63 TXT SET GRAPHIC Y Control whethe
r &BB5A sends characters to the text screen (as per usual) orY6 N
disable routine. No entry conditions. On exit, AF is corrup
t. &BB81 TXT CUR ONY Selects cursor display in the current stream
, unless the cursor is currentlyYY disabled (by &BB7E). This is intend
ed &BB90 TXT SET PEN0 Set the pen ink for the current stream.0-
On entry, A contains the ink number.-( On exit, AF and HL are corrup
t.( &BB93 TXT GET PEN& Find out the current pen ink.& No entr
y confor use by BASIC and the firmware, andY" not for users' programs.
" No entry conditions. No registers corrupt. &BB84 TXT CUR OF
FY Deselects cursor display, undoing the effect of &BB81. This is intend
ed for usditions. On exit, A contains the ink number. Flags are corrupt.
&BB96 TXT SET PAPER2 Set the paper ink for the current stream.2-
On entry, A contains the ink number.-( On exit, AF and HL are corrupt
.( &eY) only by BASIC and the firmware.) No entry conditions.
No registers corrupt.orrupt. BB99 TXT GET PAPER( Find out the
current paper ink.( No entry conditions. On exit, A contains the
ink number. Flags are corrupt. &BB9C TXT INVERSE Swap the pen and pa
per inks for the current stream. IT TOOK MORE THAN ONE MAN TO CHANGE MY
NAME TO SHANGHAILILY I WAS BITTEN BY A HORSE, AND NOWI'M MOVING FOR DIVORCE.
.. No entry conditions.(
On exit, AF and HL are corrupt.( &BB9F TXT SET BACKE Select transpar
ent or opaque text mode (as set by CHR$(23)).EQ On entry, A contains 0 fo
r opaque, any other value for transparent mode.Q( YY
&BB87 TXT VALIDATEY Check a text location to see whether iOn exit,
AF and HL are corrupt.( &BBA2 TXT GET BACK( Find out the current te
xt mode.( No entry conditions.Y On exit, A contains 0 for opaque,
any other value for transparent mode. DE, HLY and flags are corruptt
is at a valid place in the currentY window.7 On entry, H cont
ains the column and L the row.7X On exit, if the position is within the w
indow, carry is true, and B is corrupt.XY If the position is below the lo
wer bounds . &BBA5 TXT GET MATRIXY Find out the address of a char
acter matrix (as set by the SYMBOL command inY BASIC, for example).-
On entry, A contains the ASCII code.-Y On exit, HL contains the a
ddress. Carry is tof the window, carry is false, and BY contains &FF.Y
If the position is above the upper bounds of the window, carry is false
, and BY contains 0.Y HL contains the "validated" column and row
at which the next characterue if it is in RAM, false if it isY* in
the lower ROM. AF is corrupt.* &BBA8 TXT SET MATRIX Define a charact
er (as in the SYMBOL command in BASIC).V On entry, A contains the ASCII c
ode, and HL the address of the 8-bytr to beY. printed would appear, AF i
s corrupt..! &BB8A TXT PLACE CURSOR!G Print an inverse "cursor blob"
at the current cursor position.G No entry conditions. On exit, A
F is corrupt. " &BB8D TXT REMOVE e matrix.VY On exit, carry is true
if the character was successfully defined, false if itY was not user-
definable. AF, BC, DE and HL are corrupt. &BBAB TXT SET M TABLE G S
elect where in memory character definitions arCURSOR"H Remove an inverse
"cursor blob" at the current cursor position.H No entry conditions.
On exit, AF is corrupt. Y In all current versions of the firmware,
the &BB8A and &BB8D routines areY identical. N e to be stored.GY
On entry, DE contains the first character to be included in the tabl
e (allYY subsequent characters up to CHR$(255) will be defined), HL cont
ains the addressYY at which to locate the character definitions (whis o
f two streams., On entry, B and C contain the two stream numbers.0
On exit, AF, BC, DE and HL are corrupt.0MASCII code a number from 0 to 255 repr
esenting a character or control code.MYCharacter matrix a set of ch must lie bet
ween &4000 andY &BFFF).Y On exit, if there were no user-defined c
haracters before, carry is false, AF andYY HL are corrupt otherwise, car
ry is true, A contains the ASCII code of theYY first character in e
ight numbers, from 0-255, equal to the parameters of aY SYMBOL command in B
ASIC.YControl code an ASCII code between 0 and 31 which does not usually print
a character,Y- but controls some aspect of text operation.-JCorrupt the value i
s not the cluded in the previous table, and HL the address of the oldYB
table - flags are corrupt. BC and DE are always corrupt.B &BBAE TXT GET
M TABLE Y Find out the address where character definitions are stored an
d the first user-Y same as it was when you CALLed the routine.JNCursor position
the location (row and column) at which text will be printed.NCPaper colour the b
ackground colour on which text will be printed.C6Pen colour the colour in which
text will be printed.6YRoll coun definable character. No entry con
ditions.Y On exit, carry is true, A contains the first user-definable
character, and HLYY the address where it is stored, unless there are no
user-definable characters,YS in whict an arbitrary number, used for pu
rposes of comparison, which is decreased byYY one every time that the window rol
ls up, and increased by one every time that it rollsY down.YStream a set of att
ributes (window, paper colour. pen colour, cursor posih case carry is false a
nd A and HL are corrupt. Flags are corrupt.S &BBB1 TXT GET CONTROL 8
Find out the address of the control code table.8 No entry conditions.*
On exit, HL contains the address.*Y The table is altion, etc.)YY u
sing which text is printed. The CPC has eight (0-7), one of which (usually
0) isYY selected as the current place and manner to print text. Often used inte
rchangeably withYY "window" or "channel". They are referred to by a "#" prefix
iways in RAM and can be modified. For each control code (between 0YY and
31), in ascending order, there is a three-byte entry the first byte is theYY
number of following parameters the routine requires (maximum 9), and the s
econdY9 n BASIC, but #8 (printer)YM and #9 (file) are features of BASIC
only and are not valid in machine code.MYWindow an area on the screen in which
text is placed. Often used interchangeably withY "stream" or "channel". interch
angeably with "stream" oand third bytes are the address of the routine.9Y
On entry to the routine, A and C will contain the last parameter, B will cont
ainYY the number of parameters plus one, and HL the address of a table
consisting ofYY the control code fPROVOCATIVE, BTL PERISH THE THOUGHT.B
TL WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT IT DOESN'T ADVOCATE PIRACY - BUT, HEY, "BTL"
DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING, OUR CONTRIBUTORS WRITE WHATEVER THEY LIKE.WE DO LIK
E WINDING PEOPLE UP, THOUGH..'' ollowed by the parameters. The routine may corru
pt AF, BC, DEY and HL.Y In v1.1 and v1.2 firmware (all machines e
xcept the CPC 464), bit 7 of the firstYY byte of each entry in the tabl
e may be set to indicate that the code is igno
Marjorie Beckett's expert'' guide to making b
ackups (honest)YY9It iredY# when the VDU is disabled.# &BBB4 TXT ST
R SELECT Select a stream.0 On entry, A contains the stream number.
0+ On exit, HL and flags are corrupt.+! &BBB7 TXT SWAP STREAMS!,
Swap the attribute N s assumed that the user has the following equipment9,
A 128k disk-based CPC (to load the game!), A Z80 assembler Multiface 2% Rom-box
with HackIt Rom in slot 0.%Y A brain furnished with the basics of machine code
, and knowledge of using a Mult 20 OUT &7F00,&C6 SAVE "zapt1.2",b,&4000,&3FFF88
30 OUT &7F00,&C5 SAVE "zapt1.3",b,&4000,&3FFF88 40 OUT &7F00,&C4
SAVE "zapt1.4",b,&4000,&3FFF8Y14. Zap't'Balls is now fully cracked. Reset the
computer. We need to write a loader forYL ifaceY and HackIt.XFollow these simpl
e steps to crack Zap't'Balls, the Advanced Edition. The steps are theXFsame for
each of the four worlds. Just change the filename in step 8.F51. Hide the Multi
face, and load the game as normal.52. Select the w the cracked version. Load
your assembler, and write the following codeL nolist org &BE80
write"zaptball.bin" ld hl,(&BE7D) ld a,(hl) push
af ld de,&0040 ld hl,&ABFF orld to load.T3. As soon as the lo
ader begins to decrunch the world, press the Multiface button.TY4. Go to &8163
in memory and you will see the bytes &C3 &D0 &01. This is the JP &1D0YF th
at executes the game. Patch it with &18 &FE (leave the &01 i call &BCCB
pop af ld hl,(&BE7D)8 ld (hl),a initialise
disk system89 ld b,4 number of banks to load9.ramload pu
sh bc ld b,&7F ld a,b add &C3 n).FY5. Press ESC R t
o exit the Multiface. The screen will probably go blank, and the musicYY wil
l still play, but suddenly stop. The &18 &FE (JR -1 - effectively freezes th
eYY CPC) is being executed, and the memory is as it would be just wh
ld c,a out (c),c page in correct Ram bank ld de,
&4000 call loader pop bc djnz ramload ld bc,&7F
C07 out (c),c page in normal memory7 ld de,en the g
ame wouldY execute. Y6. Press the Multiface button again. Simply save the
game out to disk as you normallyY5 would. (Don't press C to clear the extra
banks!)5Y7. Once saved, press R to return. Next switch your HackIt Rom on and p
erform a&400 call loader load main code0 ld de,&C000
call loader load additional bits of code ld hl,reloc
ld de,&8000 ld bc,&20J ldir relocate t
o &800 hardwareY reset.Y8. Save memory from &40, with a length of &A600 to
disk, the main 42k of memory - callY it ZAPT1.5.B9. Switch HackIt off, reset
, and re-load the Multifaced version.BY10. This time go to &8163 again with the
Multiface, wher0 to copy all the memoryJH jp &8000 this
is where the original loader goesH.reloc di ld hl,&C000 ld de
,&A600 ld bc,&19FF3 ldir copy upper memory3
ld hl,&DA00 e your &18 &FE is. Alter thisY2 (starting at &18) to the f
ollowing hex bytes2! F3 21 00 A6 11 00 40 01!! FF 19 ED B0 21 00
00 11!! 00 5A 01 40 00 ED B0 18! FE In assembler this i
s di ld de,&0000 ld bc,&406 ldir
copy lower &40 bytes6. jp &1D0 execute game..loa
der ld hl,file+7 inc (hl)4 ld hl,file increment fil
ename4 push de ld hl,&A600 ld de,&4000 ld bc,&19FF
ldir ld hl,&0000 ld de,&5A00 ld bc,&0040 ldir
jr $G11. Return to the game, wait a few seconds, then go into HackIt ag
ain.GY12. Save memo ld b,8 call &BC77 pop hl c
all &BC83 jp &BC7A.file db "zapt1.0"YZap't'Balls is now cracked and h
as a loader. Do the same for all four worlds, but callYYthem ZAPT2.* for the W
orld of Ice etc andry from &4000, with a length of &1A40. This is the upper
memory &A600-Y5 &C000, and the lower &40 bytes. Call it ZAPT1.6.5913. Return
to BASIC, type and run the following program98 10 OUT &7F00,&C7 SAVE "z
apt1.1",b,&4000,&3FFF88 N modify the loader. If you know assembler, j
ustY6add a menu and then patch the world number at file+4.6 1YYBloody comp.sys.a
mstrad.8bit! It's the CPC-related Internet newsgroup, and to be honest,YYit real
ly ought to be renamed comp.sys.emulator.amstrad. 8bit, because a huge proportio
nYYof the contributors are only interested in Figure 14. 8p38 using the CPC emu
lators on PCs and Amigas. ToYYthis end, a number of the files on FTP sites are
uploaded in .DSK format - disc imagesYYfor use on the CPC emulator. Very usefu
l for those of us using the "proper" machine.YY(With any luck, Kevin Thackepp
s The anti-piracy logo distributr's new FTP site will be using .MRC files
, the ColumbiaY!multi-record compressed format.)!Y To this end, here's a simple
routine to restore .DSK files onto a CPC disc. You needY#to use it in the fol
lowing manner#61. Download the files, by FTP, oed with all qq8 British copies o
f Zap't'Balls, Kangnto a PC-format disc.6J2. Using ParaDOS (or a similar utili
ty), format a 3" disc to 205k format.JM3. Using DOS-Copy, copy the .DSK file fro
m the PC disc to the 205k CPC disc.M&4. Copy UNDSK.BIN onto the 205k disc.&5. Lo
ad it as follows MEMORY &7FFF LOADaroo p033 Mutant's excellent command of E
nglish"UNDSK.BIN",&8000 .36. Open the .DSK file using OPENIN"filename.DSK" .37.
Insert a formatted 3.5" disc, data format, in your B-drive.8. CALL &8000 .9. The
disc will be restored.YThe program is very simplistic, and assumes that the dis
c in question pxGf0p8 showing through once again. is a 40-track dataYYformat e
ffort. If not, you could always alter the "cp 40" (for more than 40 tracks), or
YYthe "&C1" and "&CA" in subroutine .write (for non-data discs). The .DSK fil
e containsYYall this data in it, but I really couldn't be bothphowing throu
gh once again. L g through oered to write a flashy do-it-allYHsystem when al
l I wanted to do was unarchive a couple of disc fanzines.H Simple un-.DS
K program $ (c) 1995 CRTC of Systeme D$ org &8000 write "un
dsk.bin" nolist2 THE INTERNET IS A USEFUL RESOURCE FORCPC PEOPLE,
BUT THETOPIC HAS BEEN SO DONE TO DEATH IN THE PRESS RECENTLY WE THOUGHT THAT
WE'D WAIT UNTIL BTL3 (BIT OPTIMISTIC!)FOR AN ARTICLE. SO YOU GET THIS
INSTEAD, WHICH TO MOST PEOPLE WILL BEWHOLLY US*** ROUT Store disc from .D
SK file2) ld hl,comnm call &BCD4 ld a,c)! ld (addr),hl ld (rom),a!
ld bc,&100 call read ld d,0.loop ld bc,&100 call read
ld bc,&1200 call read call writeELESS... £
Un-DiSK it! - a special £ article by Ch
aRleyTroniCY N inc d ld a,d cp 40 jr nz,loop ret3
*** SUBR Read in BC bytes from file3.read ld hl,buffer&.readlp call &BC
80 ld (hl),a inc hl&+ dec bc ld a,b or c jr nz,readlp+ ret8
*** Shard Fairhurst Robot PDMVRoutePlanner v1.1 navigation system
Richard Fairhurst Sentinel SoftwareVUStar Driver arcade game
Stephen Lond Davis Radical SoftwareUQTurbo Imager disc ar
chiver Rob ScotUBR Write entire data track to disc8'.write ld c,&C
1 ld e,1 ld hl,buffer'/.writel push hl rst 3,addr pop hl// pus
h de ld de,&200 add hl,de pop de/, inc c ld a,c cp &CA jr nz,writel,
ret" *** VAt STS SoftwareQUWho Said That quiz ga
me Stephen Lond Davis Radical SoftwareUMx/Buffer p
rinter buffer David Long Demon PDM) )MChaRleyTraCker RI
Variables".comnm db &85 .addr dw 0 .rom db 0 .buffer db 0 uffer db 0
soundtracker Richard Fairhurst Robot PDMFGlobby
platform game Chris Goodswen FOVideomaster software vide
o titling Michael Beckett CampursoftOMWaveform samp
le converter BETTER THAN LIFE 2INFORMATION SERVICE £
the regular BTL £ software list
Y David Long Demon PDMMx/BASIC BASIC compiler
David Long Demon PDM#£ £#XCPC Emulator emulator for Arch
. David Long n/a (Archimedes PD)XPCPC Emulator IY STitle
Type Author Software houseSSAmiga CPE
emulator for Amiga Bernd Schmidt n/a (AmiI emul
ator for PC Paco Lopez n/a (PC PD)PMCrystal Clear gra
phic translator David Long Demon PDMVDES-demona Prote
xt front-end Richard Wildey Sentinel SoftwareVUDES Applications
aga PD)SMChaRleyTraCker Player music player Richard Fairhurst R
obot PDMMColumbia v1.2 file cruncher Richard Fairhurst Rob
ot PDMSCPC Emulator beta emulator for Amiga Kevin Thacker n/a (
Amiga PD)SPCPC Emulpplications Rob Buckley/ Radical SoftwareU
Richard FairhurstUFluff 2
platform game Rob Buckley Radical SoftwareUNIzzy
arcade game Pator emulator for PC Richard Wil
son n/a (PC PD)PPCPE emulator for PC Bernd Schm
idt n/a (PC PD)PNCyberboy arcade game Paul Fair
man SheepsoftNODES aul Fairman Sheepsof
tNMThe Word word processor David Long Demon PDM
£VAmigo hackers' utility Richard Wilson Quantum
ComputingVUButch Cowardice WIMP system Michael Beckett C
ampursoftOUFluff platform game Rob Buckley R
adical SoftwareUMImagePrint print enhancer Richard Fairhurst
Robot PDMOMaps clip art adventure game Rob Buckl
ey Radical SoftwareUMDesktop Organise v1.1 disc utility Ric
hard Fairhurst Robot PDMULethal Moves beatemup game Rob B
uckley Radical SoftwareUOMicroDesign 2 DTP sy Peter
Campbell CampursoftOUMegablasters arcade game Odies
oft Radical SoftwareUMPowerPage 128 v1.2 DTP system
Richard Fairhurst Robot PDMMPowerSpell spell-checker R
ic N stem Rob Buckley CampursoftOFRip-Off Kit
hackers' utility Doctor Fegg FVZack game crea
tor Richard Wilson Quantum ComputingVYIf you're working on a pr
ogram not mentioned ytes 00-15 Filename 16 Block number 1
7 Non-zero if last block (file less than 2k!)! 18 Filetype
!D bit 0 Set to one if the file is protectedDA
bits 1-3 0 - Ihere, write to us at BTL and tell us aboutYYit.
We'd like to keep this as the most accurate guide of what's about on the
CPCYsoftware market. YThe software houses themselves should be your first
port of callnternal BASIC A+ 1 -
Binary+ 2 - Screen image (unused)*
3 - ASCII* bits 4-7 Version number (usual
ly 0) 19-20 Data most PD material isYYfreely available from the large
majority of PD libraries, although some of it (forYYexample, all Robot PD
releases) are Almost PD and as such only available from approvedYYlibraries. L
ibraries such as King Arthur's Domain andlength# 21-22 Data start addre
ss#( 23 Non-zero if first block( User Fields. 24-25
Total number of bytes in file. 26-27 Execute address 28-63 U
nallocatedYBut, of course, to save you the mas Demon PD are likely to have a goo
dY3range of both unrestricted and Almost PD software.3 (Campursoft
(0141) 554 4735(&Radical Software (01903) 206379&&Robot PD
(01572) 723572&(Sentinel Softwsive effort of understanding all of this, here's s
omeYYnice source code for you. It's copyright 1993 The Equalizor, and is for re
ference only,Y*so don't go swiping my code you bastards.* org &9000
limit &ffff nolist.start are (0181) 876 8032(ftware (0181)
876 8032 cp 1 Is there one parameter being passed5 jp nz,nop
ar If not, go to error routine5H ld l,(ix+0) H contains address f
or string descriptor blockH& ld h,(ix+1) ...so does L&L ld a,(
hl) First byteTHE EQUALIZOR IS BRITAIN'S BEST CRACKER. ACTUALLY, HE'
S ONE OF A VERY SELECT FEW WHAT A LAW-ABIDING LOT WE ALL ARE. NOT LIKE THOSE NA
UGHTY PEOPLE COPYING ZAP'T'BALLS AND SUCH LIKE - I BET SOME CAD HAS
EVEN CRACKED IT. YOU WOULDN'T of sdb contains length of string passedL3
ld b,a ...so place in B register3P inc hl Next byt
e of sdb is the low byte of the string addressP* ld e,(hl) ...so pl
ace in E*Q inc hl ...and next bFIND ANY BRITISH CRACKERS DOIN
G THAT. OH NO. part two of a series
by The EqualizorYyte of sdb is the high byte
of the addressQ* ld d,(hl) ...so place in D* ex de,hl
HL now contains filename address7 ld de,&170 DE contains file load
address7- call &BC77 Open file for input-' YYHello again, hap
py readers. In the first article last issue we dealt with deprotectingYEBASIC
programs. As promised then, today, let's look at file headers.EY Whenever you S
AVE a BAjp nc,error Quit if error'D HL points to head
er address (6128 &a755)D- ld (ftype),a A contains filetype-+ l
d (start),de DE contains start+, ld (length),bc BC contains length,L
ld de,26 SIC or machine code file, at the beginning of it is attached a
YYsmall (64-byte) header. This tells the machine important information abou
t the fileYYitself. For the budding hacker, this information is essential.
The header layout isYthusB N Execute address is at offset 26 in the file
headerL9 add hl,de HL now points to excute address91 ld e,(
hl) Get low byte of execute13 inc hl Step to next execute
byte32 ld d,(hl) Get high byt Jack Hughes previews a new
widget we may never see...YYYRemee of execute25 ld (exec),d
e DE contains execute address5* call &BC7A Close input file*(
ret ...and return!(K.error call &bc7d If an error occurs,
abandon the input file prontoK.nopar ld a,7 Amber the ABBA switch No R
eally Look, are we going to get anywhere or are youYYjust going to fill this
article with rhetorical questions a la Trevor - Akira Well,Y5for those who d
on't, here is a brief history lesson.5Y Way back in the mists of contains the A
SCII code for a beep! jp &bb5a Sound the error beep, and return .s
tart ds 2 .length ds 2 .exec ds 2 .ftype ds 1 YAnd now, here's the full
BASIC listing, with the machine code embedded as DATAYYstatement time,
there was the 3" disc, and times were bad. CPC ownersYYspent all their cigaret
te money on new 3" discs at the rip-off price of three quid orYYso. Then, our
prayers were answered by the likes of those generous CPC benefactors likeYYcud
dly uncles. Just RUN the program, and enter the filename of the file you
want theYYinformation on. The start, length, execute and filetype details of the
file will then beYdisplayed in all their glory.(10 'Header Reader (c) 1993 The
Equalzor(20 '30 ME Phil Craven and my friend and yours Simon Cobb, who sat do
wn and tackledYYthe situation. Simon Cobb is reported to have said, "three inch,
schmee inch, all right,YYall right my boy, I've seen the problem already" and q
uickly invented 3.5" drives on theMORY &8FFF 40 FOR a&9000 TO &903CREAD a$ 50 PO
KE a,VAL("&"+a$)60 NEXT70 '!80 INPUT"Enter Filename ",file$!90 CALL &9000,file$1
00 '&110 startPEEK(&903D)+256*PEEK(&903E)&'120 lengthPEEK(&903F)+256*PEEK(&9040)
'%130 execPEEK(&9041)+256*PEEK(&YYCPC. And verily were the people overcome wit
h joy and rapture. There was celebrationYYthroughout the land as people bought
discs for as little as 30p and had more money toYspend on fags.Y After many
CPC users had died of lung cancer, ano9042)%131 ftype PEEK(&9043)140 '(1
50 PRINT"Filename "UPPER$(file$)(160 PRINT"Start Addr "startCHR$(9)" (&"HEX
$(start)")"170 PRINT"Length "lengthCHR$(9)" (&"HEX$(length)")"180 PRINT"Exe
cute "execCHR$(9)" (&"HEX$(exther problem arrived. It wasYYimpossible to u
se a 3.5" drive as your A drive, and seeing as some programs would onlyYYrun f
rom Drive A, the people of the land fell into despondency and despair. Luck
ilyYYcuddly Phil Craven, the person described by ec)")"181 PRINT"Filetype "ft
ype190 ''200 DATA FE,01,C2,38,90,DD,6E,00,DD,66''210 DATA 01,7E,47,23,5E,23,56,E
B,11,70''220 DATA 90,CD,77,BC,D2,35,90,32,43,90''230 DATA ED,53,3D,90,ED,43,3F,9
0,11,1A''240 DATA 00,19,5E,23,56,ED,53,41,90,CD''250 DATAPeter Campbell as "a pa
thetic man", inventedYYthe ABBA switch which physically swapped your A and B dri
ves. So what if the damn thingsYGonly worked on half of the CPCs around, the ide
a had been put forward.GY Later, that great visionary and hardware and s 7A,BC,
C9,CD,7D,BC,3E,07,C3,5A'260 DATA BBYIn the next article, we shall be using th
e above program to show how useful headerY1readers are in hacking unprotected
binary games.1 byeeeeee, The Equalizor byeeeeee, The Equalizor oft
ware guru Robert Scott of STS had theYYbrilliant idea of making ABBA switches
compatible with all CPCs by putting the ABBAYYswitches actually inside your c
omputers. Not only was this neater, but it was alsoYYcheaper, allowing Rob
to charge peWHATEVER HAPPENED TO QUANTUM LOOK OUT FOR QUANTUM COMPUTING -
THE REAL STORY... IN A BTL NEAR YOU SOON! (CERT. 18. CONTAINS SCENES
OF EXTREME VIOLENCE AND EXTREMELY BAD DRIVING.)
N ople a reasonable amount of money for the service andYYbe able to afford
to buy food, to change his dietary habits from eating just plainYtoast.YS
ince then, STS and Quantum Copmuting have been offering the internal ABBA so
lution.YYQuantum acsolutely superb item. We'll keep you, so to speak, in touch.
Who with we do not know.Xrtually took the idea one step further with the ABRACAD
ABRA switch that allowedYYyou to use three drives, all selectable as either
A or B. This was also fittedYYinternally. The idea behind this one is that
if you have three drives, one of them ONE OF THESE DAYS WE MIGHT GET AROUND
TO INTERVIEWING SOMEONE NOT ON THE BTL EDITORIAL TEAM.ON THE OTHER HAND, IT W
OULD BE A LOT OF EFFORT... ChaRleyTroni
C chats toisYFless likely to get "lost in the post" by Quantum, sorry, Parcelfar
ce.FY And here comes the crunch. In a strange twist of fashion, the external
solution wasYYfound, in the form of a new product, provisionally titled "Cable
-X" (Cable Extension) -Y1q STS founder Rob Sco
ttYYYHe's round. He's fat. He thinks Phil Craven's a twat. He's the meanest, l
eanesuite possibly the worst name since "Dee Cable".1Y Developed by Matt Gullam
and Danny Heatley of Quantum Copmuting infamy, the newYYproduct was to b
e marketed in both the UK and Germany by a completely new firm to theYYCPC. A
fter the demise of Qut (not!)YYhardware bloke, coder, BTL editor and all-round
industry guru (well, I voted for him)YYtype CPC-ing today. He is no les
s than Rob Scott, Paul Merton impersonatorYYextraordinaire, assumed succe
ssor to Iain Vallance and general Gooantum, the pair were enlisted to build the
units for the (asYYyet un-named) company, but not deal with customers, you'll
be pleased to know. The ideaYof Danny "dealing with" someone fills most of us wi
th dread.Y In basic terms, the new add-on was td Bloke. He likes TrueYYFaith
, too. So go on, Rob, dish the dirt, and try not to mention Phil Craven too much
...Y6BTL So who's your best friend on the CPC, then, Rob6CRob Can't really inclu
de Paul... gotta be you, innit I'm afraid.C(BTL And your fo replace the need
for an ABBA switch, sideYYswitch, third drive switch, fourth drive switch, and
486DX2/66 PC (joke). The "Cable-X"YYwould allow you to have up to four d
rives on your CPC (a feat never beforeYYaccomplished), each selectaavouri
te software house(YRob I can't think of anybody who's consistently produced goo
d games. I suppose DinamicYY were pretty good. Very ahead of their time -
when everyone else was bringing outYL Jet Set Willy, they were doing Army M
oves, Gable as either drive A or drive B. Two rotary switches dealYYwith your
selections for drives A and B your selections are indicated by a Super VGAYY
display (or on the budget model, an array of brightly coloured LEDs). An it
sy-weenyYSswervy-curvy me Over and all that lot.LBTL Your favourite musicRob Bon
Jovi.)BTL That took a lot of thinking about.)YRob I like Meatloaf as well. Can
I have Bon Jovi and Meatloaf (Rob hears me snort.)Y Don't be so disgusti
ng.2BTL How long do yomonster rocker-switch was put in to cope with your side sw
itch needs.SY The whole unit sat on the back of your CPC's drive connector
and would come with aYYcable capable of fitting up to 3 drives externally, be th
ey 3", 3.5" or 5.25". The wholeYLunit u plan to stay using your CPC2Rob Indefini
tely.BTL Even past AA closing.Rob Oh God yes. Especially after AA closing..BTL H
ow long do you reckon that it'll stay "open", thenYRob Not long. Six months tops
. Thing is, the magazine's dead. You onis compatible with the 6128 Plus and all
types of normal 664 and 6128.LYOr at least, this was the plan. The latest
developments suggest that the "unnamedYYcompany" is probably more of a "non-ex
istent company" shame, because it sounded like anYXab N ly have to look atYY
it to see that. They're flogging a dead horse, which is a shame consideri
ng howY/ good it used to be in '86, '87, '88 even./JBTL So, in your valued o
pinion, who are the best programmers on the CPCJYRob Joe Moulding is didn't rea
d it, actually.!7BTL So what do you reckon to the PD scene in general7Rob See fa
nzines.(BTL Going to name any names this time(Rob No.YBTL Well, we've got to get
some "slagging off" in this article to keep everyone happy,YY but the mos
t prolific PD writer at the moment. (Hears me typing.)YY Richard - I'm
taking the piss. I'm quoting Keith Woods in AA. He seems to thinkYT that
Joe Moulding is the be-all and end-all of CPC PD. Paul likes him, though.TB
I supI'm not going to end this article with "What do you think of David C
rookes,Y then", because it's a bit, well, obvious. What nowRob Hmmmmm. (Paus
e.) Oh, go on, ask me what I think of David Crookes. pose you've got to ge
t one... you and Richard Wilson.BBTL Any EuropeansVRob Wankers. Erm... it has to
be Elmar Krieger. And Andreas Stroiczek, for DOS-Copy.VY Now hardware bod
s... I think it'll have to be me. Much as I hate to say it, IY9 BTL What d
o you think of David Crookes Rob He has been
voted by STS mem can't think of anyone who's as good as me. Can you9#BTL Name
your favourite programs.#/Rob It's going to be quite a list... ParaDOS./BTL Eve
n off Danny4Rob Yep. Well, I helped design it...! Discology 6.4BTL Not XexorYRob
Xexor's quite usefbers as the most unhelpful person on the a CPC scene.
And there are more STS members than CPC Undercover ul, yeah. Le Hackeur
, DOS-Copy, Maxam 1.5, Turbo Imager - no, itY IS one of my favourite progra
ms, simple as that. Protext.&BTL What about your favourite games&GRob Fire and F
orget II, Prehistorik II - of course - Target Renegade.GBTL Nice musi subscr
ibers anyway. One was probably Lee Rouane, the other's probably Phil Crav
en. c.YRob Yeah. Bit repetitive. Let's have a look at my
games collection... Stormlord. AndY that's it.OBTL While we're in a "list"
mood, let's have the most useful bits of CPC kit.OYRob Hackit. Or rather, Le Hac
keur. 3.5" disc drive, ROM-board, Told you
. BTL1A $$$ my heavily modified 6128Y Plus.%BTL Heavily, as in Danny sat o
n it%Rob Heh heh heh.3BTL What do you reckon to fanzines and such like3WRob Diff
icult one. I think most fanzines seem to be written by egotistical squeakies.WBT
L Naming any naWHO SAID IMPACT WASTHE ONLY FANZINE IN WHICH HALF THE ARTICLES
LOOK LIKE THE AUTHOR WAS ON SOMETHING WHEN HE WROTE THEM HERE'S BTL'S ATTEMPT
... .. ChaRleyTroniC goes off.. me
sRob No. I'll be good.$BTL Any decent fanzines out there$YRob BTL. Erm, I liked
Artiflicial Intelligence. Has Tim Blackbond died I've triedYY ringing h
is house six times and all I get is some pissy fax machine. (DiscussionYY
ensu in flights of fantasy.YYYDan (anc
horman) You join us live here on the BTL network for the exciting cares, dur
ing which it is noticed that Rob has the wrong phone number for TimY an
yway.)YBTL A few months ago in AA there was a big "Public Inquiry" scandal repor
t. What do youY reckon to the allegations of PD corruption and cliques!Rob I
N chaseYY that's setting America alight (actually, no, that was the LA
riots). Fugitive O.J.YY Software is being chased around the LA freeways by a
squad of top police officials -Y and we've just heard there are new development
s. David.KDavid (res or something "I'll give you 5 perYY copy and you supply t
he disc. No, I won't go that high. Tell you what, five quid aYY copy, you s
upply the discs, and I'll print the manuals... well, I dunno... if you wantYY f
ive fifty you're going to have porter) Well, they're hardly going to be old de
velopments. Brad.KYBrad (other reporter) And as we speak we can see a pack of
police cars following O.J.YQ Software around freeway 133, and it's certainly a
tough day for the LAPD to...QYDan (in the studito order twenty... nineteen...
seventeen copies, IYE print the manuals, you get five fifty and supply the disc
s. Done."EEBeth (off Neighbours) Oh, Brad, you're so hunky. Will you marry meEYB
eth (off Brookside) (aka Anna Friel) (next to CRTC) (Turns o) Excuse me, Brad,
but for the benefit of our syndicated viewers, canY$ you tell us what LAPD sta
nds for$YBrad (not in the studio) Certainly, it's Licensors of Almost PD, a
nd the Almost PDY- people are going like a Bat Out of Hell...-Hangman (noff the
light and... well,Y. we can leave the rest to your imagination.).YChaRleyTroni
C (stormin') See, that's the good thing about writing an article for BTL,Y( y
ou can make it end however you want.(#Richard Widdley (nookie) Bastard.#9
ot in America) I would do anything for nose, but...YJim Steinman (we're not
worthy) Hello, this is a Meatloaf song, as Meatloaf's spiritualYY guardian I h
ave to be around every time he does anything. Like breathes. He can't doY" it
properly otherwis £ (thank God)9ake it end however you want.
Richard Widdley (nookie) Base, you see."Dan (the man) Shut up.YBrad (stupid na
me) And there's one ace driver from the police speeding towards O.J.,YY and
I reckon he's approaching 160 miles per hour, oh, and his engine has shot out
ofYY the bonnet, the car's caught fire, THIS COLUMN WAS NOTWRITTEN BY ANY
MEMBER OF BTL, BUT COMPRISES REAL LETTERS SENT TO THEBTL OFFICES, WHERE THEY
WERE READ AND EVERYONE HAD A BLOODY GOOD LARF. (EXCEPT CREEPING DEATH, W
HO HAD A GOOD LAFF.) (OH YES, AND SOME LARD TOO. and there seem to
be twenty-seven mangled 6128YK Plusses, eight ParaDOS ROMs and one moped tax di
sc in the wreckage. Dan.KYJeremy Paxman (on University Challenge) Correct. And y
our first bonus question, Brunel,Y6 is who was the other director of Qua)
Aunty Elvira's by Mr Wulf and
Aunty ElviraYntum Copmuting6YRichard Widdley (for Brunel) Er, yes,
well, um, Gwendoline, nookie, baps, voteY Conservative. Baps.VBrad (Willis
- remember him) And, yes, this looks like famous limey industry guru -V2Richard
Widdley (for five bob a week) YYPlease remember that Aunty Elvira is unable to
enter into any correspondence as she isYYdead, deceased, gone to meet her make
r, bleedin' demised, bereft of life she rests inYYpeace, not of this world, T
hank you.2YBrad (off Neighbours) - Richard Widdley, and his car has drawn
up next to O.J.YY Software's, and he's winding down the window, and is he go
ing to blast the motherfuckaYY to kingdom come Is he going to blow his brains
all over th shuffled off this mortal coil. The fate of Bun-Buns is,Yhowe
ver, uncertain. Dear Aunty Elvira,YAs a well-known and well-respected Irish PD
librarian, I was wondering if you could helpYYme with a small problem. Late das
hboard Is he gonnaYY smash thru OJ's window with his pistol Has he got an
Uzi Hey, no, look, they'reYY talking... and we can hear it over the CB radio..
. it's Richard Widdley speaking now,YY sounds like they're talking about planni
ng route N ely, I have forwarded a few less than legal copies ofYYcertai
n programs to other CPC users. This isn't piracy, you understand because the
seYYpeople were only a few good friends and anyone else who was lame enough to
write to me.YYThe problem is hoo hoo etc" and crying like a young friend o' mi
ne who does a lotta goodYYwork for charidee. Luckily a couple of members of STS
were there at the time - one wasYYso concerned he had a couple of spliffs and
went to sleep, the other just kept pointingYthis - I think that I've been ru
mbled. I can't be certain, but I thinkYYthat a PRIVATE letter that I sent to som
eone in Wales may have been seen by a couple ofYYother people. Heaven knows wha
t would happen if the contents ever became widespread,YYlYmy head towards th
e toilet bowl. (I am sure that this was done out of compassion and notY%just to
keep the bathroom vom-free.)%Y However, the worst was yet to come, my mental
state went completely and I startedYYsaying things like "er um Gwendolinike
being put in a disczine. Soon after this, I started recieving anonymous d
eathYYthreats in German that were all signed with the initials ZTBAdvEd - does a
nyone know whoYYthis madman is Thankfully, I have received much support f
rom all ofe Baps Baps BAPPPPS Baps Waaaargh! Nobody lovesYYme!!", and by f
ar the worst thing then came when I started ranting on and on aboutY+votin
g Conservative er um Gwendoline Baps.+Y Now you have heard my problems, what do
you think I should baps do my EnglishYYcontacts, e.g. STS and Conspiracy who h
ave said things like "you're an arsehole" andYY"jibbing twat!". A few were ev
en kind enough to offer to come over on the Swansea toYYCork ferry and treat
me to "a good kicking", which is presum Lately I have beenYYtrying to take m
y mind off the whole affair by writing software like TUSS - The UltimateY+Sprite
and Baps Searcher er um Gwendoline.+ Please help.Aunty Elvira replies...YStop
drinking Malibu, and start drinking beer - see ably some sort of EnglishYQcu
stom. Honestly, it's at times like this that you are thankful of your friends.QY
So then Aunty Elvira, what do you think I should do Play it safe and keep
my headYAdown or shoot my mouth off a lot and generally act like a the "Lager is
Twiffic" article.YYDon't worry about your political views, you probably just ha
d a temperature at the time.Y8Baps Baps Baps Baps. There, that should keep you h
appy.8Y dildoA Yours, DHYPS Have ye got Zap't'Balls Advanced Edition yet If
ye want a copy, let me know, c/oY Amsof PD. Aunty Elvira replies...YJust go
with the flow, and expect visitors soon. I have heard of this "kicking" custo
mYYbefore - Figure 12.YM Mt Gwendoline's baps pictured yesterday.t£ Dear Au
ntyas I recall, it is far more enjoyable for one of the parties involved, but
IYYcannot recall which one. I have passed your kind offer onto EGS, who is
looking forYcontacts - you seem to fit his criterion (and the Photofit).+ Elvi
ra,YI am definitely one of the better demo coders in Britain, but the proble
m is that myYYdemos are so good, they seem to go over the heads of most CPCer
s who denounce them asYY"mindless pap!" and "blatant plagiarism". For example,
my first +Dear Aunty Elvira,YPlease help me, I think I'm having some sort
of nervous breakdown. I am a young hard-YYnosed businessman/London-based softwa
re entrepreneur and, well, things just seem to beYYgetting out of hand. It all
megademo featured fullyYYoriginal sound, good graphics and original code. The
rasters were really good and wereYYnot at all written with Vorspann. It eve
n featured a guest part from the 42-CrewYY(although their code got corrupted
in the post, started last January, when I started to drink a bottle ofYYM
alibu. I thought I could handle it at the time, but a couple of hours later I
was inYYsome kind of alcohol induced tantrum - I kept saying things like
"Nobody loves meYYwaaaaarhh boo N so we were forced to overwrite theirYYscr
olling message and substitute our own - by some small accident we also compl
etelyY)forgot to give them any mention at all).)Y However, less than a few days
after our rival, inferior demogroup STS saw the dest...)G"Blue Ice
Blue Lice"1BSC BSE (mad cow disease...)1!CATLOC
Headlock!-CPC-Mike CPC Trike, CPC Tripe-Cracky
Spacky$Crittersoap Clittersoap$Crown emo,YYthey sen
t us their own demo which was almost EXACTLY the same as our original. Pah. Talk
YYabout ripping off stuff. They also sent us a nasty letter which claimed tha
t our demoY"was less than original. The cads."Y Please Please Please Please let
m Clown, Frown, Improper noun (hoe hoe)7Cyril The Cat Cyril
The Twat, Cyril The Cl*t7 Datamax Betamax .Domesdos
Multi Surface Cleaner.#Dreadnought Deadnought#!Fat Frank
Fat Wank!"e know what you think of our demo, I have sent a copyYYwith thi
s letter (I really like the bit with the red Sports Car - that took hours to
Yport erm I mean draw). Thankx, O.B., DerbyAunty Elvira replies...YWell well we
ll. You are of course Force One Farce One"'Fraggle
Waggle, Haggle'$Hypnomega Hypnomeagre$%Ice Coding I
ce Crudding%PJoker Poker, Smoker, Provoker, Choker, Soapy titw
ank (hmm...)PJoshua T right, the code is original, as are t
he sounds -YYtrouble is that this was when THEY WERE ACTUALLY WRITTEN and
not ripped off by youYYlamers! Having seen "Demowank" it is clear that this i
s by far the best, it is quiteYYfunny too! Bog off yoosser"Juggler
Struggler")Kangaroo Musique Marsupial Musaxx)$Knutschfleck
Knutschfuck$AKOD COD, POD, MOD, BOD, CRUD, DUD, MUD, etc.A"
Lovebyte Loveshite"Made Fade$Malfu lame excuse
for a coder!!! Write some programs for Amsof PD, theyY.are looking for programm
ers of your standard!.of PD, theyunction Malfucktion$!Nandoor
Barndoor!0Overload Overlord (he wishes...)09Pawn
Porn, Corn, (got the) Horn, Yawn9(Pepito Dorito (m
mm...)(!Shining Shitting!Slice INSULTS - JUST WHAT BTL'S AL
L ABOUT. ALLEGEDLY. NO OFFENCE IS INTENDED TO ANYONE "SPOOFED" IN THIS
ARTICLE - HOWEVER, LOTS OF OFFENCE IS INTENDED TO DAVID CROOKES.
Lice Sucon Suck
On "Thriller Polyfilla"JTIC Prick, TIT "tic"
is quite apt on its own - CRTCJ&Tom Et Jerry Tom ate Jerry&"Tom-Pouc
e Tom-Ponce"Toug Doctor Rupert Z Z80A's
journalistic debutYY)Akira Ultimat
e Teacher)( Tug!Track 41 Spack 14!(Tut Ankh Amun
Twat and a monk(Wild Mild)Zonk Bonk, Honk
, Conk)ougTug Track 41Spack 14 Tut Ankh AmunTwat and a moAlien
Helium, Failien('Aphex Triplet Afucks Dipshit'AAst
FAST (Federation Against Software Theft)ABatman FatmanYBaud
Bored Yeah, we'd figured that one too. "Hi - WE WERE
ORIGINALLY PLANNING TO PRINT EXCERPTS FROM THE "BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL" T
EXT FILE, BUT AS BOTH IMPACT AND BAD MAG HAVE APPARENTLY HADPRETTY MUCH THE
SAME IDEA, WE ASKEDDOCTOR FEGG TO COMEUP WITH A FAINTLY AMUSING SUBSTITUTE.S
ADLY, HEI'm Baud ofY9 Beng!". "Aren't we all" - CRTC9"Big
Daddy Big Duddy"5Bitmap Manic Bitmap Maniac (not a typ
o!!)5 BoGGer! BuGGer! GBorax Pole-axe (I don't
watch Gladiators, hon N FAILED. £ a typical day in the life
of£ Doctor Bertram X Fegg GBHYtingYthese programs.££YCPC meeti
ng. Meet up with the Equalizor, who's a dab hand at 'phone phreaking. We go toY
Ya call-box and 'phone one of our German swapping friends, then proceed to spe
nd twentyYYminutes remorselessly taking Y £ YEighty-three swappers' discs arrive
through my letterbox. Twenty of them are unlabelledYYand almost brand new, whi
ch means that they're redirected to the Fegg Ex-Software-HouseYYDiscs Honest Gu
v service (the piss out of his accent. The rest of the day he cracksYYZap't'Ba
lls with the aid of Fatel, while I write the loader, CRTC arranges the Horst
YYWessel song as a ChaRleyTraCker file, and the Lawnmower Man makes random 'p
hone callsYYfor short inforin conjunction with East London Satttelits Guv plc)
. I printYYout twenty copies of my form letter explaining to my respected swa
pper chums that theYYenvelopes arrived with large holes, no discs, and blaming
it on the "fucking lamer postYYservice!". Tmal discussions with members of t
he Irish scene (some following upY letters). Y Meanwhile, CRTC, Barney Rubbl
e and Akira challenge each other as to who has the mostYYstupid customers, and
Jack Hughes and Cuchulainn write it up for BTL. The adhirty-seven ask for "
Stamps back". Instead, I send their addresses to theYYBundespost, together wi
th another form letter thanking them for the most recent 2000DMYpayment they s
ent me.Y Of the rest, eighteen are from Germany, and all of them renalin
eYYhigh caused by all this activity makes it hard to get to sleep, but luckily
Akira has aYYfew copies of WACCI around. The Lawnmower Man falls to sleep
doing something elseYthough.£YA few fanzines arrive through receive a di
sc and anYYanonymous printed label to send to Crown of BENG!, postmarked from
their town. On theYYsurface of ten of the inner discs, a quantity of carboru
ndum has been superglued. TheYYother eight have had the inner disc replaced
withe post. One is a French disc fanzine, whichYYunfortunately doesn't w
ork, since I'm trying to run it on a machine with a differentYYserial number
to the one it was coded on. Perhaps it's a Multifaced file - AmstradYAction
Y One is Badth the striking material from off aYYmatchbox, which with any luc
k should ignite his disc drive, his CPC and large sectionsY5of western Germany
. Might even get Knutschfleck too.5Y The remaining discs are swapped around a
bit, so that the swappers g Mag, which unfortunately does work. In a fit o
f generosity, I decide toYYport the files to the Amiga (with Crown's excellent
"Amiga" tool) so that they can beYYprinted out professionally. However, the
print-out appears as a load of garbage,et new programsYYback, and a virus
put on a few of them. They are then sent back. This quick responseYYtime won
me the "Most Helpful Swapper" title in the most recent issue of Bad Mag No itY
didn't - CRTC.£YHooray! A letter from YYfollowed by CPM ROMCPMDISCDISC. INDISC.O
UTTAPE and so on, continuing for another, ooh,YWmust be about 8k. Bugger this,
I think, and try to copy it for a few swappers instead.WY Crime, however, keep
s on telling me that I've still got the source disc iIreland. Unfortunately, it
seems to have been delayed by the postYYfor a few hundred years, for the form
of English used is particularly archaic and usesYY"ye" instead of "you" a lot.
I photocopy the letter and send it to everyone on theYYBritish n the driv
e,YYso the whole lot just gets burnt instead. The ash gets parcelled up to be se
nt to Derek.YYSince he appreciates the latest fucking cool cracks, I tell
him this is the latestYYfucking cool crack, and that he should roll it up, ig
nite iscene, plus anyone else slagged off in it, and type it up for inclusion
in theYYnext BTL. His discs are sent back full of cracked versions of
the latest indieYYcommercial software. I make a note to 'phone FAST in ten days
to report him for pira N t, and smoke it. Then rollYhimself up into a little b
all, ignite himself, and smoke.More Bastard Swapping in the next Bastard Issue o
f Bastard BTL.q QuantumGY Best PD Adventure Trying to get PD out of Presto PD (
runner up - trying to get PD outY of Robot PD) Best Tool Crown's Cruncher Compl
ete Tool CrownY Best Group New Order Could I make it clear that CRTC has been
editing this Figure 16.qe o/e m75/ This handsome chap, Doctor Bertramarticl
eYY since I wrote it, and that I would like to disassociate myself fro
m the aboveY comment - Fegg Lamest Group Bon JoviI Best Way Of Annoying Hangman
see above (runner up - withholding nose)I# Best Coder the late Alan Turing#M wG
j X Fegg GBH, is a role-model to young nkZw people and Best Graphist Staed
tler HB pencil (sorry, that should read Best Graphite)MY Best Musician Michael N
yman, arguably, who the jury controversially felt displayed aYY better knowled
ge of contrapuntal technique and variation in orchestration than sacks
of potatoesr o everywhere.re wgwee Y Kangaroo Musique Industry Guru CRTCY C
harts Category Most Obviously Made-Up By CRTC Because He Hasn't A Hope Of Wi
nningY1 "Best Coder" or "Best Musician" Industry Guru1 Best Fanzine BTL Worst F
anzine not BTLY Only Fanzine With mUe Big Bastards Like Hangman, Lawnmower
Man, Creeping Death, TheYY Equalizor, Jack Hughes, Akira etc. Writing For I
t And Being Quite Willing To ComeY Round And Sort You Out (As Testified by Ph
il Craven) BTLY Best PD Library Fuckin' hell! THE NME BRATS TO THE BRITS OF AA
'S SUGAR AWARDS, BTL AWARDS ARE ONLY GIVEN TO THE MOST DESERVING CASES IN
EUROPE TODAY. AND THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF CASES ON THEEUROPEAN CPC SCENE.
£ What sort of category is this Can you na
me ONE PDY library that will return your discs in less than five weeks Worst PD
Library Amsof PD4 Least Difficult Category To Figure Out see above4, Best Indep
endent Software House Safesoft,3 Lea by Doctor Fegg £
Libel CorrespondentYYYAs we're not popular enough (
sniff) to st Independent Review Safesoft Disc Archiver39 Coolest Guy Thor Gudb
randsson (new Icelandic swapper)9M Hottest Swapper Rex of Beng (nice weather in
Greece at this time of year)MY Most Likely Phrases To Be Used In Forthcoming
Review of BTL bring you any charts yet, here's an awardsYYceremony inste
ad. All the luvvies' speeches have been edited out to leave just theYYwinn
ers' names. Unfortunately, the editing didn't go quite as far as this cr
uddyYintroduction, which I curren2 by David CrookesYY "Immature", "Haven't lear
nt their lessons", "Tiresome", "Basically what I'm trying toYY say is", "Lots
of swearwords", "Harming the survival of the CPC" - what survival ofYY the C
PC, "Disappointing", "Read WACCI instead, it's tly have no idea how to finish.$
Best Commercial Game Cybernoid 2$3 Best PD Game Zap't'Balls - The Advanced Editi
on3C Best Way Of Annoying People see above (runner up - BTL issue 1)CG Best Comm
ercial Adventure Trying to get a disc drive out of N really interesting, espec
ially ifY you like DOMINOES"Y Most Likely Phrases To Be Used In Forthcoming A
rticle Responding To David Crookes byYY CRTC in BTL 3 "Misses the point",
"Inconsistent", "I feel so extraordinary,YK something's got ahen he ate th
e CPC monitor, leads an' all, and regurgitated it. He typed TAPE. Then heYYpress
ed CONTROL and ENTER. "Press PLAY then any key" Michael read Ok, ok - CRTC.Y)H
e did so, and the game started to load.)Y While this was happening, Michael hol
d on me" Hang on, isn't that New Order - HangmanKY Most Likely Phrases To Be U
sed By Readers "Oh no, not this self-indulgent crapY again", "Zzzzzzzzz"B
"Oh no, not this self-indulgent crap again", "Zzzzz decided to read the in
structions for the game. "AYYgame like no other" said the packaging. Yeah, al
l other games are good. Anyhow, theYYgame loaded but Michael soon got bo
red of this shit so he switched it off andYhad an early night.DEAR SLICE, T
HANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE ARTICLES. ONE OR TWO QUESTIONS 1. WHAT ARE YOU
ON 2. IS IT REMOTELY LEGAL 3. WHERE CAN I GE
T SOME Slic2
2K The secret diary of Michael Mitchy-Molio, aged 29 and a hal
fKK KU20th November Bludgeoned a haggis with a marshmae of Donut Sy
stem presents ...a rather strange articleYYYMichae
l Mitchy-Molio was a man on a missiollow. Sold 2 worth of frozen peas.UY21st Nov
ember Called a telephone sex line. Spent hours on the phone. Awaiting quarterlyY
phone bill.Y22nd November Purchased a 2nd hand CPC computer fr
om Future Publishing. Had an earlyY, n. His mission was... NUTRITION!
!! Yes, he isYYthe infamous Captain Kibble - a fictitious character used to sel
l bread called "CaptainYYKibble" with the slogan "his mission is nutrition". I
don't think it caught on. I'm notYYquite sure why. So, I'm a li night (half e
ight at night).,Y23rd November Woke up to find myself stranded on a desert isla
nd. Looked at my digitalYY clock on the bedside table. The time wa
s 0000 hours. Quick as a flash, itYY changed to 10000 hours. Desar
! His mission really was... to bring you frozen peas atYYhalf price. He's a s
treet vendor, y' see. He steals frozen peas from Iceland ("That'sYYwhy mum's
gone to Iceland" - sexist!) and, erm, flogs 'em outside the shop for halfYF
price. What a ert island turned into a newt. Fell into waterY7 and
drowned. Switched to storyteller...72 2YA
fter drowning, Michael discovered that he was trapped inside the pages of
a maleYYinteressad guy. One day he hopes to sell king prawns. One day.FY As Mi
chael walked home after a hard days thievin' an' a stealin' (oh, and sellin' o
fYcourse) he saw a card in his post office window. It readR "ZX81 fore sayl. Wu
n preevius ohna. Onlee 1404t magazine. This was fun. For a while. The bitches g
anged up on him and made himYYeat a big bowl of tapioca. Then Michael was forc
ed to eat two plastic disc boxes, 250YYMars bars and was forced to drink the
surface of Jupiter. At the end of this ma4. A bargin at twiyc the prys!"RY Qu
ick as a flash, Michael shot a passing bystander () with a rubber chicken. Then
heYYchecked out the other ads. One caught his eye (mainly because there was a
hook attachedYto it), which readY "CPC6128 for sale. WmmothYYtask, he checked h
is watch. 0100 hours. Jesus Christ! How can someone eat so much in 60YYminutes
Mind you, this was A DAY LIKE NO OTHER. Michael thought it was a dream, butY
Ybefore he could pinch himself, he puked all over the scantily-clad ith the st
unning 100% addictive chart topping hit game known asY)MOONWALKER. Only 60. C
all 0225 442244")2 2YLater on that day, Mi
chael set up his CPC, and shoved Moonwalker into the tape deck.YYT N
bimbos who made himYYeat what he ate. This took a while, seeing a
s he had to razz the whole of Jupiter inYYtheir faces. This jet-powered ralph
No, I don't know what a "ralph" is either - CRTCYYsent him flying out of the p
ages of ze mag and he founot visible. I assumedYYthe road markings to be incorr
ect and turned blindly to the left on the off chance thatYYthe given junction w
ould appear. No such luck and my car is now left stranded in a smallYYditch alon
g the the M4. I would be most grateful if d himself on the set of a StephenYYFr
y comedy programme. Spotting an axe lying about, he grabbed it and lunged a
t Fry.YYUnfortunately for him, Fry turned around and sweeped Michael, who prom
ptly fell to theYYground. He managed to stand up, but Fry you could arrange for
collection ofYYmy car and sort out this obvious inaccuracy in our British
highways. I have been onYYthe 'phone to both the Departments of Transport an
d Environment all day as to theYYdisappearance of said junction. They bokicke
d the back of his knees and he went downYlike a lead weight.Y Suddenly he app
eared in the bedroom of the author of the story, and so Slice turnedY/away fr
om Protext and said "Piss off" like so/ "Piss off."Y Suddenly Michael disappe
ared. th assure the junction is still there and hasYWnever been moved they a
re, however, sending somebody along to investigate the matter.WYours faithfully,
Mr P WindowcleanerY
Depart He reappeared in his bedroom. The digital clockYYread..... a bo
ok! Funny. No, the digital clock read "You will now be ate by a largeY%rhin
oceros". And so he was. The end.%2 2Moral
There isnment of Transport,YR
House of Commons,RL
WestminsterLDear Mr Windowcleaner,YFurther to your enquiry as to
the disappearance o't one. Sorry. rXX G
JJJJJJJJH Morf Junction 2 of the M4, I am informedYYby the latest government
information that it lies somewhere between junctions 1 and 3.YIWe have sent a
Minister out to this stretch of road to confirm our data.IYMany thanks for brin
ging the problem to our attentMR P WINDOWCLEANER IS ONE OF THE MOST ACTIVE MEMBE
RS OF THE BRITISH SCENE, SO WE'VE PRINTED ONE OF HIS LETTERS IN THIS SELECTIO
N. WE HOPE THAT HE WILL BE JOINING THE BTL TEAM SOON. IT'LL BE NICE TO H
AVE A WRITER WHO DOESN'T USE ONE OF THESE MORion and I will be raising the ques
tionY#at our next parliamentary session.#Yours sincerely,Minister for Transport2
2 Dear Sir, YI wish to thank you for relea
sing RoutePlanner it is because of yONIC PSEUDONYMS, WON'T IT WE THOUGHT
SO. customers' letters compiled
by Wild ThangYour program I met myYYhusband Stavros. On my journey from Chippin
g Sodbury to Southall, RoutePlanner requiredYYme to travel at a constant speed o
f 40mph along B roads. Doing so caused me to ploughYinto the back of a rather
rickety van offering the "beY Dear Sir, YIt is with great regret that I fee
l I must report my misfortune whilst using yourYYproduct RoutePlanner. I foll
owed the directions given to me precisely by this exst kebabs in London". lelhg
l37f066g000000The owner, who was then a stranger to me, leapt out from hi
s vehicle 0d1lcellentYYprogram and my journey to Kenilworth was going as ex
pected until I reached the M4.YYRoutePlanner told me to travel for 9 minutes
15 seconds and turn off at junction 2.YYImagine my surprise when after the g
iven time the junction was n !N!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!00000hurling abuse at me. O
nce our eyes met, however, his abuse turned into Ywords of love and admirat
ion. I knew our wheel drive to get the backYYend of my Range Rover through the
police vehicle, I decided to turn round and check toYYsee if the other junctio
n was in fact available. I reversed through the hole created inY6the mobile bui
lding and headed back for theit was love at first sight. We were married theY
Ynext day, driven to church by our new car which we created by welding the
front ofY*Stavros's van to the back of my Golf GTi.*PThanks once again - it is
because of your software I have found true motorway.6YA few yards along, in wha
t would have been exactly 3 miles, the junction appeared. ThisYYjust goes to pr
ove that you should always trust in RoutePlanner. Alas I never made it toYYmy de
stination, as I was later arrested by the police forhappiness.PYours faithf
ully,Mrs Marjorie Dracolopodos2 2 Dear Sir,
YI am returning your disc to you as it is completely useless to me. When
I order aYYprogram called "RoutePlanner" I expect reckless driving, drivingYYwi
thout due care and attention, driving without a full driving licence, assaul
ting aYYpolice officer, avoiding arrest, and cruelty to animals. Now servi
ng a three yearYUsentence I feel the predicted journey time 1 hou it to do jus
t that, create cross stitch patternsYYfor me. Not print maps of the country. If
I was to be knitting maps, then yes maybe yourYYprogram would be suitable, but I
feel you are misleading the public by not stating inYYyour literature that y
our 40 minutes is a little optimistic.UYours faithfully, Mr D Heapley YYK
RoutePlanner is available for 19.95 (128k, disc only) fromKI
r program will NOT define knitting patterns. In future I will beY'buying my knit
ting software elsewhere.'Yours faithfully,Miss Ellen Healthplan (97)2
2Dear Sir/Madam,YIt is clear to see that Rou Sentine
l Software, 41 Enmore Gardens, East Sheen, London.In RPLAN $$$ rtePlanner has
not taken into account the fact my car has noYYwheels and is supported by a se
ries of bricks. It is with regret I must return yourYYsoftware and ask for
a refund forthwith. I would drive down to collect it but due toY6circumstanc
esAFTER THE WRATH OF CPCERS EVERYWHERE WAS UPON US FOR OURLIBELLOUS DEBUT, WE
DECIDED TO STICKTO PRINTING ONLY THE TRUTH. SO HERE IS A FLATTERING PROFIL
E OF OUR CHUMAND YOURS, DEREK. £ £! beyond my control thi
s is not possible.6Yours faithfully,Sir D Kwikfit2
2 Dear Sir, YWhilst travelling to Heathrow, Rou
tePlanner advised me to turn off the motorway a by Doctor Fegg £
£! Libel CorrespondentYYYThe response to last issue's
feature expost aYYjunction after 3 miles. After 2.9 miles a turning was in sig
ht. I was in a dilemma, didYYI continue for the extra few yards and see if anot
her junction lay around the corner orYYthrow caution to the wind and take this
premature corner. That I diding Phil Craven has been so great (approx. 2mYYof
libel suit) that we thought we had to press on with another "Exposed!" article
. So,YYhere it is the profile of The Man in the Know. The Best Coder In Europe.
The Big CheeseYYof the CPC. A well-respected unfortunately IYYdid not see the si
gn post labelled "Emergency Vehicles Only", nor did I see the mountedYYpolicema
n and barrage of traffic cones. I was also oblivious to the mobile police unit.
YYAfter colliding with these obstacles and switching to f "N"" """""" """""""
"" leading figure in one of the leading CPC groups. Well, itYYwould have been
if Prodatron were available for interview, but instead we've had toYsettle
for Derek Hyland.Y Derek's library was called "Amsof", a misspelling of Amsoft,
as an attempite and suggest who you'd like to be "exposed".8est who you'd like
to be "exposed". t to emulateYG the huge success of Adam Shade's library (a mi
sspelling of Amstrad).GY Derek's pseudonym, "The Invisible Coder", comes from
an amazing protection techniqueYY he developed to make his machine code take t
he form of a BASIC program, rendeRATZ IS NOT REALLY AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT DRINKS IN
MODERATION. HIC! HIC! BLEEEEEEEEEEURGH! !
by Ratz - medical student ! ring theY main
code invisible.) He is one of the best coders in Beng!.)1 Beng! stands for "Bad
ly Educated, No Grammar".1Y Derek's dad is Brian Hyland, 60s hitmeister and w
riter of "Itsy Bitsy Teenie WeenieY Yellow Polkadot Bikini" and croonsome
and professional pissheadYYYIn BTL 1, CRTC tried to convince everyon
e that 664s (you know the one, built like a greyYYbrick!) were in fact TWIFFIC"S
ealed with a Kiss". Derek's brother is the Highlands and Islands of Scotland.U H
e shares a personality trait with his brother of having people walk all over him
.U Derek's real name is Drek.Y Derek is employed by CPC Forever as a cunning de
vice . Whether this was due to a genuine love of a machine thatYYis more commo
nly used as wheel chocks at Gatwick or that the disc had room for one moreYYart
icle and Hangman's had less chance of an 18 certificate than Reservoir Dogs, I
knowYYnot. However nto make their other writers seemY eminently reasonable.Y A
story by Derek, "Being Fucked out of the Szene", was recently short-listed b
y TheY Literary Review for their "The Best English Writing" issue.Y Amsof PD's
latest expansion is into comow it is my turn - I intend to convert the mass
es, yea even professionalYYNortherners, into Lager Louts. When you think about
it, Lager is far better for you -YMfirstly, the drive belt never snaps on a ca
n of Tennents' Super Loony Juice.MY It can alsmercial software, distributing pr
ograms likeY0 Xexor and Zap't'Balls - the Advanced Edition.0Y Amsof's recent cl
osure was solely because Derek has gone to university, and was aYY great s
hame in view of its huge range of varied, high-quality softwao leave you deliri
ously happy or nearly suicidal depending on how much youYYhave quaffed (the la
tter effect can also come from sticking "Demoware" into your 664).YYIt can be
drunk in the afternoon or evening, even late at night if you want.re
and burgeoningY customer base.Y Derek was offered a place at Oxford to rea
d English Language, but refused on theY grounds that the course title even di
d not sound right.Y He chose to live near Cork, Ireland, so that he could e
asily reYYFurthermore, your newfound friend can then take a little nap on
the dressing tableYYovernight, and meet up with you the next morning just the
thing for losing those "dryYheaves" blues.YLager is also very versatile it goe
s with just aboach the Cork ferryY1 terminal and visit all his friends in Br
itain.1Y He holds such affection for his friends in Britain that he tells
anyone who willY( listen of his intention to fuck them.(Y Although he has not v
isited them yet, they are planniut any memory configuration fromYY"...you were a
cting like such a twat last night matey! I remember everything!!" to "OhYYno,
I was acting like such a twat last night! I can't remember a thing!". Much be
tterY*than a plain old 64k any day of the week.*ng to pay him a surprise visit i
nY the not-too-distant future.YRemember, at BTL, we have the candid archive ph
otos of many of the CPC's most gloriousYYstars and although they might make for
hairy reading, we're quite happy to reveal all.Y8So do wr #N## ###### #######
##Y If you wish to increase the speed of a can of Lager, simply tip turps
into it andYYdrink it straight down. Pissed as a fart in about 10 seconds. If
you wish to increaseYYthe speed of a 664 you have to change the crystal and
start discussing d the NPS Cobol compiler which is now supplied with 286k ofYY
ASCII documentation. Then you need to live in Twickenham, run an Amstrad user
s' club,YMand run off with several thousand quid of your very gullible members'
money.MCAnyway, let us talk abou"wait states"Ylike some Clive Anorak.Y Tipping
turps all over the keyboard will have no chronotropic effect, but willYY
discolour the case and leave your machine smelling like old paintbrushes. A goo
d way toYYspeed up your 664 (downwards, that it dominoes. Here is how you play d
ominoes.C1. Get box of dominoes.2. Shuffle dominoes.#3. Put a domino down on the
board.#4. Boot CP/M Plus.5. Configure VDE.6. Configure NPS Cobol.7. Configure F
orth.8. Configure DU.YBut enough exciting CPs) is to simply hurl it straight
out of an upperYYstorey window. (If you are technically squeamish, ask Wulf to
do it free of charge.) ForYYa really good larf, throw CRTC's 664 out of a wi
ndow, then celebrate your liberationY5with your new found ma/M for now, I hear y
ou cry. What the readers want to know is howYYto play DOMINOES. So here is how
to play Dominoes. First of all you find your dominoes.YYThey should be black w
ith white spots on them. First wipe away the white spots, I knowYYdominoeste,
a can of the amber nectar.5Face facts, 664s are TWUBBLE.Lager is TWIFFIC. Figu
re 11.u are exciting but really. Now you can play dominoes. To do this put
a dominoYYdown on the table. Now put another domino next to it with the same num
ber of dots on oneYhalf.YIf your domino goes in the wrong place it is probabl
y because you have nu wWK7Uu Derek Hyland after Ratz tried in vain to impl
ant a peot configuredYYyour Cobol compiler to set domino codes up correctly. Y
ou can configure it using COBINSTYYwhich will INSTall the COBol program for you
or you can use a good disc editor likeYYNirvana from Goldmark Systems. Save
this and the phone will rrsonality. OGgko Unfortunately, in cases as serious a
s this, there is usually no hope.u ing. Pick it up and it willYYbe Peter Campbe
ll on the other end. He says that he has just released a disc calledYY"BOXE
S for MicroDesign" which is a set of clip art ready-drawn pictures of squares
andYYrectangles which you can load into MicroDuX resign Plus. Order t
hirty-seven copiesYYimmediately in order to avoid the mad stampede as all you
r readers order a copy to putYBwith the nice collection of every single Campurso
ft program ever.BYBut enough on the exciting new release from CampursofTHIS ART
ICLE CAN ONLY CONVEY A SMALLPART OF HOW REALLY EXCITING WACCI IS. ORDER A COPY
IF YOUCAN STAND THE PACE! £ by East Midlands Domin
oes £ t I hear you cry. What! You thinkYYthat eight pages of news a
ll about Campursoft is "enough"! Anyway to keep the readersYYhappy here is ho
w to play dominoes. First of all you need to find your set of dominoes.YYIt is
currently about three paragraphs a Champion 1987, Clive BellamyYYYD
ominoes are really exciting. Here is what you need to play dominoes. First of
all youYYneed CP/M Plus. Then you nee $N$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$bove. Take this do
wn and reconfigure your CP/MYYstart-of-day disc to load dominoes automatically t
o the correct place on the table. NowYPconfigure VDE to load a dominoes macro i
f you boot it with a SUBmit file and...PD WE INTERRUPMATELY 5
/300THS DOWN THE SCREEN ON EVERY FRAMEOI FLYBACK BECAUSE WE NEED T
O CHANGE SCREEN COLOURS AND MODEIV WE INTERRUPT THIS "JOKE" TO BRING YOU SOMETH
ING THAT HAS NOT CEASED TO BE FUNNY YETV2 De
reT THIS ARTICLE TO BRING YOU A LETTERDDear Clive,Your fanzine is very boring.Yo
urs, A Reader/Is it really Oh dear. In that case, I resign./E
WE INTERRUPT THIS LETTER TO BRING YOU AN ARTICLEE k Hyland2$$ rYET
Derek Hyland a review of
disc fanzines by Doctor F. EggYY3 !!H"6 6 6r!
a( NF!##66666 6nuftw#w#w22"82!6#J J M / hawGGp1£ YSome people have been
heard to say that this is the best issue of Bad Mag yet. HereinYYlies the ru
b, for in a way it is, and in a way it isn't. First of all the bad newsYYth
ere is even less (by two articles) CPC info in S$Z8fR-wqjdYTPKGC852/-*(&$"
2 !(!(!,(2!8!8!,8!(wO #(wO #(wO this issue. In fact, there's none.YYThere are
no CPC reviews and no helpful techie tips. But there's good news, too Bad MagYY3
doesn't have any of the racist anti-Ukranian and anti-Zbonqaqa jokes
that soYYcharacterised the last issue, and neithe#wO yxyyIOyI5nf(L(9(Q #w# ##ut6
6 sw#6q #w#utnf### ##Vut#w#V2G(&w* x( (6(8(66r does it have any instructions o
n how to make aYYbomb, or text files about attaching metal platforms with l
it matches on them behindYYcows' arses. The reason for all of this is because th
ere is NO Bad Mag 3, as Crown is soYYstoned that he has complet2#26#O*w#w#2#w ww
(gnOB!N#Fnf#VM L utnf N 8ywO nf N(2yO!q!5 ( ww !"s CRTCely forgotten that Ba
d Mag exists, relegating it to thatYYcorner of his brain reserved for diploma
cy, tact, the planet Earth, and large sectionsYof the AMSDOS ROM.N WE
INTERRUPT THIS ARTICLE TO BRING YOU A WEEK'S HOLIDAY IN BARBA...N Nh(h(HhG
WE INTERRUPT THIS INTERRUPTION TO BRING YOU A DOMINOG7
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8DOH(HPH(OGH(HPH(OIU1DFGFB0DFDBA'6P368868'8P33''3P63 3...tAfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaN
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